


the Wedding Date

by AwatereJones



Series: Torchwwod Style Movie re-writes [23]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alt Verse, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Re-write, Romance, Silly, lock-down boredom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23722987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: So, this old movie was funny so ... here we go. Ianto has to go to his sister's wedding and does not have a date. Cue the 'date' called Jack who finds the entire family amusing, the Ex who is stalking Ianto sad and the entire thing just another financial transaction ... or does he? Will try to post long chaps as I know we are all bored in our bubbles. LOL Love my crumblyOops wrong movie not Something Borrowed LOL .. .that one next maybe?
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Johnny Davies/Rhiannon Davies, Lisa Hallett/Ianto Jones
Series: Torchwwod Style Movie re-writes [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/267442
Comments: 14
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

A man crying softly as the empty apartment seems to echo. This is Ianto Jones, 30. Tears stream down his face as he sits cross-legged amid the detritus of a packing frenzy. There is an unfortunate apple green suit with matching tie on a white shirt hanging on the back of the door.

Ianto's pain is palpable. He buries his head in his lap. Suddenly, the doorbell RINGS.

Ianto sits bolt upright, wide eyed. He looks around in disbelief. How did this happen? What is he doing on the floor?

Ianto calls sweetly "Hold on! "

A Bike Messenger stands outside Ianto's door. He busts a covert i-pod dance while he waits.

"Coming!" Ianto calls again. He pauses in the foyer. Ianto wipes his face and inhales, summoning deep calm.

The Bike Messenger looks up as the door swings open.

Ianto is a changed man. Nothing like the man we saw on the floor. You'd never know he had been crying. Or that he even knows how. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't quite ready for you."

Ianto props the door open with his foot as he slides a plane ticket into an envelope. He scribbles a name on the envelope, seals it, and hands it to him.

The Bike Messenger looks at him with confusion as Ianto seems to hesitate "Mate, you said this was a rush. I can't rush anything anywhere if you don't give it to me."

Ianto looks down at the envelope, he's still holding on to it. "It's a plane ticket."

"So it is."

"For a date.' Ianto says then takes a beat before saying "For my date. To my sister's wedding. In London. He's never met my family."

"I hear that noise." The Bike Messenger grimaces.

Ianto wills himself to surrender the envelope.

"You need to let go." The Bike Messenger pulls but Ianto is still hanging on.

"Yeah." Ianto sighs, and then whispers "You're going to have to help me."

The Bike Messenger gently tugs the envelope out of his hand. Ianto smiles. "Thank you. "

The Bike Messenger looks at him with genuine concern.

.

.

.

Racing against time, Ianto throws open a linen closet to reveal three neat rows of plastic bins, all perfectly labelled. Ianto reaches into the bin marked "TRAVEL" and pulls out a pre-packed toiletry kit.

Ianto pulls a box marked "LONDON" out from underneath his bed. He opens it.

Pushing aside an old private school uniform and some letters, he pulls out a worn London A-Z, a Ziploc marked "ADAPTERS," and his passport.

He's about to close the box when he sees an old photo. In it, a gorgeous woman kisses Ianto on the cheek. He's holding the camera himself - it's blurred and goofy, but full of love. Ianto jams it back in the box and shoves it under the bed.

.

.

.

The Bike Messenger darts in and out of traffic, avoiding the throngs of New Yorkers enjoying this crisp fall day.

.

.

.

Ianto races through his apartment, packing, cleaning, getting ready. His place is small yet put together. It's Crate and Barrel meets Martha. But in a good way.

Ianto, finally still, stares into the mirror as he brushes his teeth. There's a strange intensity to it, like he's scrubbing away the last of his distress.

.

.

.

The Bike Messenger passes a waiting Town Car as he pulls up to a stoop. He hefts his bike, runs up the stairs, and slips the envelope into the door of a tasteful flat. Stylish yet masculine. A man stoops to pick up the envelope. We don't see his face, just his ordered, minimalist apartment as he zips his carry-on and walks out the door.

His face obscured, the man steps into the purring Town Car.

.

.

..

A Taxi Driver slams his trunk as Ianto gets in. Ianto's apprehensive face peers out the window as they pull away.

.

.

.

JFK AIRPORT

A ridiculously long line snakes towards the X-Ray machines. Latte in hand, Ianto cuts right through the middle.

Irate Passengers scowl at him. Ianto does this every day. He should be used to the looks by now. He's not. He pointedly flashes the crowd his AIRPORT EMPLOYEE BADGE as he sails through security.

Ianto enters the Virgin Atlantic customer service hub. It's as cramped as it is busy. A female Employee approaches with a question. Ianto puts up his hand. "I'm off duty. I do not exist. Don't even look at me."

The lady backs off. As Ianto hurries away, a harried employee matches his step and launches in. "I've got a tour group from Taipei trapped in customs, a dead poodle in Cargo parked at T9, and a lost grandmother staggering around International asking for her mommy. Oh, and there's a guy on two who was stuck with his in-laws for a week because we couldn't get him out of Dulles. The in-laws aren't speaking to him anymore and, for some reason, he's pissed."

Ianto's trying not to get sucked in. "I would love to help you. Sincerely. But my sister's getting married this weekend, I haven't seen my family in two years, and my flight leaves in fifteen minutes."

The Harried Employee looks like he's going to lose it. Ianto struggles, then caves. "You take Taipei. Tammy's schnauzer just had puppies. Put her on the dead dog. Park reps with wheelchairs at every john in T8. If Grandma just got off a trans-con, she's gotta go sometime."

Ianto starts to walk away.

"What about line two?" she calls after him with exasperation.

Ianto spins around and glares at him.

Moments later …On the phone, Ianto is in the middle of saying way too much. "I completely understand, sir. You just want your in-laws to see you the way you see yourself. Or at least the way you would see yourself if you didn't feel so victimized by them."

At that moment, a Clipboard manager walks by. He overhears Ianto's diatribe and is incredulous.

"Hello? Calls may be monitored for quality control?" he hisses at him.

"Huh?"

"Over-share!" Clipboard hisses.

Ianto waves him off. Then, adds "Mr. Rajagopal, we regret that you were snowed in at Dulles but snowstorms fall under a category called force majeure. Along with earthquakes, hurricanes, and floods. In short, we're not liable."

Ianto checks to make sure the Clipboard has moved on. Then, he continues, softly but very quickly "but just this once, I'm going to refund the full price of your ticket and credit you 10,000 frequent flyer miles. Thank you for calling Virgin Atlantic!"

.

.

.

Ianto sits in first class, absently scanning the safety card. A handsome man across the aisle notices and smiles.

"Your first trip?" he asks.

Ianto realizes he's been reading the safety card. He laughs and puts it back in the seat pocket. As he often does, Ianto feels compelled to explain. "Hardly. My family moved to England from Waltes when I was fourteen. My stepdad's a professor at University College, London. (beat) I'm going back for my sister's wedding...and the best man's my ex. In case I chicken out, I want to know where all the exits are."

Ianto eyes the front door, nervously.

"I don't believe in marriage" the handsome man smiles "I believe in hot sex. Of course, that draws men to me like flies to shit."

Ianto doesn't know what to say, but then a HOT GUY walks up the aisle. Ianto looks at the empty seat next to him and smiles at him. He returns the smile but sits next to the Pretty Man.

"Hello, my sweet darling." Handsome man purrs.

He gives the Pretty Man a "madly in love" kiss. The Pretty Man rolls his eyes to Ianto - what did I tell you?

.

.

.

Ianto is hiding out in the Galley. He tries to calm his nerves as a Male Flight Attendant pours him a cup of water.

"I'm not a knuckler. I fly all the time. In fact, I transferred from Heathrow two years ago and now I run Bags and Nags here at Kennedy, so things are going really well for me. The reason I can't feel my legs is that any minute, my date is going to walk in that door. And I need him to look really, really good today." Ianto sighs to the Flight Attendant who is not listening "I wish I couldn't feel my legs."

Ianto peeks around the corner and spots the back of the mysterious man from the opening as he loads the overhead bin above Ianto's seat. Ianto gasps, ducking back. "Oh, no. He's here."

The Male Flight Attendant looks out at the Man, who leans against Ianto's seat as he chats with a Female Flight Attendant. Ianto's in a panic. "What do you think? Does he look hot, and is it the kinda hot that'll translate overseas?"

"I resent your stereotyping of a man in my profession because we are not all like you but..." He checks out the guy again. "..darling, he'd be hot on Mars. I'd like to unwrap him like a Harrod's gift basket."

Ianto smiles, relieved.

The mystery man is Jack Harkness, 35, commanding and classy, yet somehow totally genuine. He carries his '40s-crooner good looks like he has no idea that men just aren't made that way anymore.

Jack takes two glasses of champagne from the blushing Female Flight Attendant. "Thank you, Emma."

He turns around to take his seat and finds Ianto standing there, awkwardly. "Hi."

"Hey." Ianto says softly.

"Ianto." Jack kisses Ianto warmly on the cheek and hands him a glass of champagne. Jack's totally at ease. This may as well be a candle-lit bar. "Let's sit."

Ianto awkwardly negotiates his drink as they take their seats. "I'm glad you found it okay. The airport. The plane, I mean."

Jack notices Ianto's anxiety, tries to settle him "I really am sorry I couldn't leave earlier. I know you would have loved a few hours to settle in before the party."

Ianto melts a little. That's just what he was thinking. "Work must be crazy right now."

Jack gives Ianto a quizzical look. There's something going on here. Though it's not clear what.

Ianto fills the space. "I've gotta warn you, you know those families where everyone's out of their minds but at the end of the day, they're family, so you love them? (off his nod) Mine's not like that."

The Flight Attendant appears with a small tray. Ianto notices the woman's cheeks flush as she fumbles Jack's drink.

Jack smiles warmly, but deftly ends the moment. He's like a famous person who has learned to manage his adoring fans with casual grace.

"I love my dad. But since he's my stepdad, he's technically not family. He's more like a hostage." Ianto tries to find his seat belt. It's under Jack. He reaches beneath him, tentatively, then pulls back, embarrassed. "My seat belt, it's..."

Jack pulls out the seat belt and hands it to him. Ianto buckles up, checks that it's snug, then checks again.

They sit in silence as the plane starts barrelling down the runway.

As they pick up speed, Jack takes Ianto's hand. He finds comfort in his touch, his need to talk abates momentarily. He is safe. Ianto closes his eyes as the plane levels off, and then peeks over at Jack, who's calmly staring out the window. He closes his eyes again, this time for good.

.

.

..

Jack and Ianto wait at the baggage claim at Heathrow Airport. Ianto looks at his tie, then down at his Shirt. They are the exact same colour. Ianto is concerned "Please tell me you're not wearing that tonight."

His shirt is indeed the exact same colour as Jack's tie. Ianto continues "It's no big deal. Really. It just looks like a tailor cut off a yard of my shirt and made your tie out of it. Too … matchy."

Jack doesn't get it. He heaves one of Ianto's suitcases onto a trolley full of matching suitcases.

"Don't get me wrong, matching's fine. It's "matchy matchy" you've got to watch out for." Ianto flicks a finger between them "This is matchy-matchy."

Jack, amused, tugs the last of the bags off the carousel and adds it to a pile of what appears to be an entire floor model of matching luggage.

"You think we look like we're trying too hard." Jake suddenly gets it.

"Exactly. I want us to look like we fit, but not like we're trying too hard to look like we fit. (beat) It's welcome cocktails, not prom. With this level of matchy-matchy, we should be drinking peach schnapps under a bleacher somewhere."

Jack laughs at Ianto. Then fixes him with an intense stare.

"I'll teach you a trick." Jack offers "If you look people in the eye, they'll never even notice what you have on."

Ianto, overwhelmed by his charisma, is mesmerized. Jack continues "What colour are my shoes?"

Ianto dreamily replies "You have feet?"

Jack smiles sweetly and touches his cheek.

.

..

.

The Heathrow Express thunders towards London.

Jack stands by the W.C., flipping through Cosmo. He can do that without looking gay. He talks to Ianto through the door. "I understand how important this is to you, but you're a handsome man and you've got everything in the world going for you. I couldn't care less what you have on."

Ianto comes out modelling a black shirt and tie.

"Don't patronize me."

They've clearly been at this a while.

"You're funny. " Jack snorts.

"Yeah, but I feel like crap. And if you feel like crap, it's way better to look hot while you're doing it." Ianto huffs.

Jack checks him out "mission accomplished."

"Really? Don't get too attached" Ianto bolts back to the bathroom, nearly knocking over a Zitty Teenager who's waiting his turn.

"I liked the red one better." The teenager says conversationally to Jack.

"I'll let him know."

Ianto, alone in the W.C., meticulously rearranges a layer of paper towel on the floor so he can step out of his shoes. He expertly slides off the trousers while simultaneously pulling another pair on – one leg out as the other slides in, then his shirt seems to be a struggle with him doing a weird clean shirt over dirty shirt, then the dirty shirt shimmies off … not an inch of skin shows. He struggles as the train rocks back and forth.

Jack calls through the door "I bet you're doing that girly thing, where you get undressed without showing any skin."

Ianto looks around suspiciously. "No, I'm not."

How'd he know?

Ianto emerges from the bathroom wearing the new suit. Jack checks it out. "Mmm."

"Mmm, nice Suit? Or mm…" Ianto takes on an American accent "Gorgeous, I was insane to let you go!"

"Both."

Ianto looks to the Zitty Teenager for his opinion. "I'd do you."

Ianto gives the passenger an appreciative smile, and then flies back into the bathroom. Jack is amused by his antics, steps closer to the door. "You know, they say you can tell everything you need to know about a person from the way they act when they're naked."

Ianto popped his head out "I don't do naked. My sister? She does naked"

Ianto ducks back into the bathroom.

.

.

.

.

Someone else is getting undressed.

The woman is Ianto's sister, Rhiannon Jones, 35. She graces a bath mat in all her infinite nakedness. Totally nude, she gently places her veil on her head and begins the ablutions of a Greek goddess. A dot of bath oil, a pure white towel, one squirt self-tanner, one squirt lotion.

Finally, she pulls out a bottle of olive oil, pours two drops into her hands and rubs them together.

Then she stares in the mirror, regarding herself with a look so blank it could be anything from admiration to revulsion.

Just then, a KNOCK. The groom, Johnny Fletcher-Davies, 38, enters wearing a robe. He flashes Rhiannon as he does a silly dance then smothers her inside his robe. Rhiannon giggles and tries to break free.

At first she's laughing, but then she turns on a dime and shoves him off more forcefully than she meant to.

She kisses him on the lips, trying to cover, and shoos him out the door.

.

..

.

The mother of the bride, Jenny Jones, 60, drops her robe on the floor. She is about to put on a bra when she catches her reflection in a full-length mirror on the door. She is momentarily surprised by what she sees. She turns and faces her image. This is not the woman she is in her head. This is an old woman with uncooperative skin. With one swift movement, she slams the door.

The father of the bride, Archie Jones, 65, wearing only a pair of socks, walks downstairs. He's completely comfortable in his nakedness and trots around as if he's fully clothed.

He sings to himself. The words of the song are incomprehensible but he sings with an unrestrained Sinatra sass.

Archie enters the kitchen, opens the fridge and starts scrounging. Inside the fridge door, Archie bends over and his bare butt sticks out.

.

.

.

.

Inside another home, the best man, Lisa Hallett, 31, the girl from the snapshot under Ianto's bed, glistens with a post-shower flush. Lisa towels off with a miniscule washcloth.

Stepping out of the bathroom, Lisa notices an 18-year-old Nympho watching her through her kitchen window. She crosses to the window but instead of closing the blinds, she opens them wider and jumps up onto a pull-up bar.

The Nympho blushes and looks away. As she starts shaking her tits.


	2. how we met

LANESBOROUGH HOTEL

Upscale cars deliver upscale people to this stately hotel in Central London.

Jack pays the Bellhop, who trolleys away their bags. He turns to find Ianto. he's wearing the red shirt. The Zitty Teenager was right. It's really hot.

Ianto starts doing a yoga breath of fire, trying to relax. Jack takes Ianto's hand and pulls him close. "You okay, Tiger?"

Ianto nods, clearly not okay. Jack smoothes a piece of hair behind his ear. There is a practiced intimacy to the way he touches him and Ianto is almost settled by it. "I'm not sure I can do this."

Jack moves towards Ianto as if he's going to kiss him, but then he whispers in his ear. "You're never going to be sure of anything, but we still have to go inside."

Just then, Ianto's mother appears. "Baby love, my baby love."

A few Brits dart looks at this very American display.

"Please, Mom. This is not the time to be yourself."

Jenny folds Ianto and Jack into a drunken embrace. Jenny gives Jack the once-over. "And who might this be?"

Ianto's mortified but Jack quickly saves him "I'm the new guy. (kissing Jenny) It's great to meet you."

Jenny throws Ianto an unsubtle, "I'm impressed" look and leads them into the party.

Jenny, Ianto and Jack emerge into a sea of Burberry, floppy hair, and unspoken judgments. Jenny turns to Jack and Ianto, all business. "Handsome. Nice choice, a man for a change. Not been with a boy wince high school darling. You now… tongues will wag! Anyway. To business. This is a marathon, not a sprint. After welcome cocktails, you've got the hen party. Tomorrow, there's a picnic and the rehearsal dinner and since you've conveniently left no margin for jet lag-(squeezing Ianto's cheek) I need you to hydrate, baby."

Jack and Ianto are stunned. Jenny hops away as Archie approaches. Ianto throws his arms around his stepfather. "Dad!"

"Hi, kiddo."

"Meet Jack." Ianto points.

"Sir." Jack bows. They shake hands. Just then, Ianto's sister, Rhiannon, dressed to the nines, strikes a pose in the doorway.

"I'm getting MARRIED!"

As Ianto and Rhiannon squeal loudly and hug, Archie leans into Jack. "I find a good, strong drink helps."

Jack smiles, looks at Archie's glass. "Can I get you a refill, sir?"

Archie hands Jack the glass.

Jack asks while sniffing the glass "I'm guessing MacCallum, 18 years. (beat) Neat, with a water-back.

"Is there any other way to take it?"

Jack heads toward the bar and Archie turns to Ianto. "Where'd you find this guy?"

Ianto smiles, appreciatively. "The Yellow Pages."

Archie laughs. Across the room, Jenny has found a microphone. She taps a knife on the side of a glass to get everyone's attention. "Welcome, friends and family! "

Then she taps the mic, which squeals.

Ianto is panic stricken. "Sweet Jesus, who gave that woman an amp?

Drunk with happiness, Jenny slurs "Archie and I would especially like to thank our out-of-town guests for coming to celebrate with us as we welcome Johnny and the Fletcher-Davies' into our family. "

Beryl and Barry Fletcher-Davies, 60's. Barry shifts uncomfortably. Beryl waves as though addressing a room full of her subjects.

Lisa is searching the crowd for someone. Her eyes land on Ianto. He doesn't see her. Lisa stares at him meaningfully.

"It's funny. We always thought we'd marry off Ianto first. We came close once, but that crashed and burned." Jenny sighs as there is nervous laughter from the crowd. Ianto smiles through the pain. Lisa winces sympathetically. Her mind working, she spots a piano nearby. Jenny keeps talking "Still, we had reason to hope. He was always one of the more "active" boys at the American school, and that's saying a lot."

Suddenly, a loud, lovely arpeggio from the piano. Jenny looks over, surprised. Then she smiles. Lisa is sitting at the piano, playing.

"Okay, okay. I get the hint! Anyway, imagine our surprise when Johnny moved in next door and fell in love with...the girl next door. Our Rhiannon. Lucky for us, he had no idea it was an unforgiveable cliché. (raising her glass) A toast to the bride and groom to be. Congratulations, babies!" Everyone claps as Lisa plays a final flourish.

.

.

.

.

Ianto is sneaking towards the men's room when Lisa comes out of the ladies room. Their eyes meet. Both stop dead. Neither can find words or even a smile. Ianto pretends that seeing her isn't a gut-punch, forces a silly grin. "Thanks for, you know, with the piano... It was really... Hm. (beat) I have to pee."

Ianto slithers past Lisa into the W.C.

Ianto wills his breath back. He turns on the water as if he were washing his hands. Then he confronts himself in the mirror and shoots his cuffs like he's putting on a suit of armour.

Lisa, a dashing Brit, is not a woman who likes to wait, but wait she has. Ianto emerges from the W.C. as if he hadn't seen her before. "Why, Lisa. Hello."

"Hello, Ianto" As Lisa kisses him on the cheek, Ianto's eyes close and he takes in her smell. It's like coming home. he doesn't want it to, but something inside him stirs.

"You look well, Gorgeous." All she has to do is look him in the eyes and his big plans fly out the window. Ianto blushes. "Seeing you again..."

"Yeah?"

Just then, TJ, 30, Ianto's cousin, appears, wrapping Ianto in a hug. TJ's deb-of-the-year perkiness is undercut by her Longshoreman's tongue. "Ianto Jones! We live two hundred miles away from each other but I have to fly all the way to London to see you. You haven't visited me once in D.C. Where the hell have you been? I have gynaecologists that call more often."

"You have more than one gynaecologist?"

"Sure." She laughs at him "You've got to play them against each other. Otherwise they think you're easy." TJ turns on Lisa like she just realized she was there. "Hey bitchface, since you dumped my cousin brutally and without cause, you won't mind if I steal him away? I have all kinds of interesting things to tell him."

TJ darts Lisa a dirty look and drags Ianto away.

Arms locked, Ianto and TJ rejoin the party.

"You didn't have to do that." Ianto sighs.

"I wasn't saving you from her. I was saving you from yourself. You're too fucking nice."

"Don't worry. I'm so over her" He assures her then adds "By the way, do you know if she's seeing anyone?"

They spot Jack talking to Jenny, surrounded by Octogenarians. He doesn't look the least bit lost. In fact, he's charming the Dockers off them.

"Why waste ten more seconds on the slimy limey when Mr. Tie-Me-Up-Tie-Me-Down is waiting for you at the bar?" TJ asks.

Jack is listening patiently as Jenny pours her heart out. "After Ianto's father died and I married Archie, I was so desperate for my little boy to love him. It never occurred to me that he might love him more. "

Ianto and TJ are still staring at Jack. "What's he do anyway?"

"Therapist."

Just then, Jack looks up and gives Ianto an intimate, "get over here" look. TJ sighs audibly. "I think I just came."

.

.

.

.

Jack stands with Ianto at the bar. The Bartender hands Ianto a drink. Rhiannon asks "Can I have that?"

Ianto looks over and sees Rhiannon. He puts his drink on the bar, but Rhiannon can't quite reach it from her stool. Rhiannon makes an exaggerated reaching gesture and whimpers. Jack takes note as Ianto slides the drink closer. Rhiannon sips it through the straw without picking it up. "You know what I love about all this?"

"There's finally a reason for the whole world to revolve around you?" Ianto asks.

"Exactly! Today's my day. Tomorrow will be my day. And the day after that? My day. "As Rhiannon gloats, Johnny dances over.

"How's the future Mrs?"

Rhiannon kisses him on the lips. "Perfect. All ginny."

"Except it's Scotch." Ianto says softly.

Ignoring Ianto Rhiannon adds "But I'm not taking your name, buster. I'm a feminist! (shaking her drink) I need icey! Mr. husband-man, get me more icey!"

"All right then kiss me. (she kisses him) God, I'm a lucky sod." Johnny lifts Rhiannon off the stool and spins her around. He does an awkward dance move and steps on her toe.

"See what happens when you put off dance lessons til two days before the wedding?" she demands angrily.

Johnny looks to Jack for support. "Who's ever heard of dance lessons for a wedding, honestly?"

"Um, just about everyone"

"You are taking the piss?' Johnny asks.

Johnny looks to Ianto, who shakes his head.

"We'll go with you guys tomorrow. I suck too." Jack laughs "It'll be fun."

Rhiannon kisses Jack's cheek. "I don't even know you, hunky-dunky, and I love you already."

Ianto throws Rhiannon a dark look.

Johnny natters to no one "Dance lessons. Right."

Escaping, Jack steps outside and bumps into Lisa, who teeters on the railing.

"Hey." Jack is polite.

"Oh, hello."

Lisa looks upset. Jack tries to break the ice. "A wedding is a sacrament...a joyous celebration of love and commitment. In Utopia. In the real world... it's an excuse to drink excessively and say things you shouldn't say."

"Ah, a philosopher." She snorts.

"Shrink, actually."

"Crikey."

"What?"Jack blinks.

"Nothing, nothing."

"No, tell me." Jack presses her politely.

"You Yanks and your therapy. It's great. It's all a bit too touchy-feely for me." A beat as Lisa watches the party. She sees Ianto and Rhiannon at the bar and slowly turns to Jack. With difficulty, she begins to unburden herself to her new therapist. "It's just, there's this boy I care for - God, I suppose I could even say I love him - and the bugger is, of course, he's here with someone else. Bollocks!"

Jack hides his surprise as Lisa raises her glass in a silent toast to her misery. Jack is just clinking glasses with her when Ianto appears and slips his arm in his. "Here you are."

Lisa is horrified. Stares at Jack, aghast.

"Hey, Ianto." She finally splutters.

"Hey, yourself." Ianto smiles then says to Jack "I see you've met my ex."

They all stand there, awkwardly.

"Did I interrupt something?"

Lisa looks desperately at Jack. Jack hesitates, then covers. "I was just telling Lisa how we met."

Ianto gives Jack a confused look. Jack smiles warmly "The Knicks game? We both wanted the last hot dog?"

"Oh, yeah." Ianto nods and says pointedly, to Lisa "So we split it. You know, as in "share." People do that."

"You hate sports."

Ianto squeezes Jack's arm, adoringly. "Not when Jack explains them."

Lisa's desperate to get out of there. "Right. I should be going. Good to meet you. Perhaps I'll see you at the stag party. My place. (to Ianto) You know the address."

Ianto watches her rejoin the party.

Well, she looks miserable. What were you talking about?" Ianto asks with interest.

"Love. "

Ianto and Jack walk back into the party. They walk arm and arm. After the confrontation with Lisa, Ianto's excitement is almost manic. "Lisa knows love like she knows macramé."

"She was pretty drunk, but I think she's still crazy about you." Jack tries to defend her.

"Of course she is. I'm here with my new man. I love it! Your magic's already working. Let the suffering begin."

Jack stops Ianto and faces him. He is quiet but intense. "The only one suffering here is you. You need to stop worrying about everyone else. You think you can do that?"

Ianto takes a deep, calming breath. "No."

He turns and surveys the room, trying to calm down. But then slowly his face begins to tense. "What did she say exactly? I mean, you don't think she wants me back?"

"I don't know."

"What does your gut say?" Ianto demands.

"You're too good for her."

.

.

.

.

Jack drives slowly down St. John's Wood's tree-lined main street. Jack looks out the window as they pass a corner market, a flower shop, pubs, restaurants.

The Jones House.

A charming period house in a row of identical houses. You'd never know where the Americans lived but for a conspicuous boat trailer parked in the driveway.

Archie and Jenny try to help Jack unload Ianto's many bags from the taxi. Jack won't let them. As Jack lugs the bags up the driveway, he reads the name, "LADY SHIP," off the back of the dilapidated cabin cruiser.

Jack struggles with Ianto's many bags as Ianto's parents escort them upstairs. Ianto stops by his bedroom door, doesn't go in. "Well, here we are."

They stand there, awkwardly sandwiched into the small space.

Jack turns to Jenny and Archie "Thanks again for having me."

"Don't be silly. It's wonderful to finally meet you. Although, technically, I had no idea you existed because when my son turned twelve, he stopped talking to me, except when he needed money. So let me rephrase that. It was nice to discover you existed and then finally meet you all at once. I love surprises."

"Okay, Hun. That's enough." Archie warns.

Ianto gives them a look, but doesn't open his bedroom door. "Where's Jack sleeping?"

"Why, with you." Jenny titters.

Ianto was not listening.

"My mother has a rule about men and women sleeping in the same room without a ring in the picture. She thinks two men is even worse, that it's…" Ianto puts his fingers up to do air quotes, and then suddenly realizes what his mother just said. "Huh?"

Jenny is twinkling at Jack "I'm not as square as my son thinks."

As Ianto's parents walk away, Jenny flirtatiously sidles up to Archie and pulls him into their bedroom.

"She must have drowned her rules in the Chardonnay." Ianto huffs. With that, Ianto closes the door.

The door CLICKS shut and the happy couple separates instantly. Ianto to one side of the room, Jack to the other. Ianto's childhood bedroom has an aggressively floral decor.

"Sorry about the creepy room. I went through a painfully earnest Laura-Ashley phase. It really pissed my mom off who wanted me to play football or some shit" Ianto takes a brown envelope out of his pocket, opens it, and removes a stack of hundreds.

He hands the pile of money to Jack. "Count it. Six thousand even."


	3. um ... what is a name

Sory for confusion over the title. I called it Something Borrowed as it was it's original name. I forgot that it actually went to the big screen in some conutries as The Wedding Date. Sorry about that, I am weird for sticking to original titles and things. Of course, I have retitled this to reflect the title known by all countires.

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3

Jack doesn't look at the money, just tucks it into his bag. "I trust you."

Ianto almost lets it go, but then... "No, count it, anyway."

"Why?"

"I'm compulsive and weird?"

Jack humours him. Pulls out the stack of bills and counts it.

"Six thousand, right?"

"On the nose." Jack smiles then adds "I tell you what, because you're so cute, I'll take care of our incidentals."

"How does it feel to get that much money just for being you?"

Jack smiles wryly "Great, with the occasional stabs of shame. Now, listen, this covers the weekend, but as we discussed, if you want to be intimate, we talk money before anything happens."

"That won't be an issue, believe me. I find the idea of sex for money morally repugnant" Ianto shivers then realizing "No offense."

"It's okay. Hell, I've never paid for it. But please don't feel like you have to explain yourself to me."

Ianto walks over to an old dollhouse. Its rooms have been gutted, their mini furnishings replaced with a teenager's cassette-tape collection. Ianto pulls out Guns and Roses' "Appetite for Destruction" and opens it. There's no tape inside, just some nicotine patches. Jack watches as he opens one up and slaps it on.

"You quitting?"

"I'm desperate to start but I don't have an addictive personality." Ianto replies, then considers and adds "Except for approval. That, I can't get enough of."

Jack notices an '80s poster of two guys with guitars, all big hair and laser light shows. "Who are they?"

"Graham Russell and Russell Hitchcock"

Jack thinks about those names for a second, then his face twists. "Air Supply? "

Embarrassed, Ianto hastily rips down the poster and stuffs it in the closet. "My parents had a German exchange student a few years back... He must have left it here."

Jack hides a smile as Ianto ducks into the bathroom.

Ianto has left the door open a crack as he gets ready for a shower. Unbeknownst to him, Jack watches from the bed, enjoying the ritual. Ianto says quietly "Everyone knows their greatest hits but some of their lesser-known ballads are surprisingly poignant."

Inexplicably, Ianto stands on his tiptoes as he looks into the mirror. It's a little thing, maybe the tiles are cold, but it gives him an innocence that makes Jack smile.

"What?"

"It's cute."

"What is?" Ianto asks.

"You stand on your tiptoes." Jack smiles back.

"I do?" Ianto looks down, he never noticed before.

"Is it an old habit from ballet class or a childhood spent walking on eggshells?"

Ianto throws him a glance, impressed with the sharpness of his mind. "I never took ballet."

He smiles and kicks the door closed with his foot.

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Jack hangs up his tux. It's definitely not a rental. Ianto comes out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. "Have you ever done anything like this before?"

"A weekend?"

"A wedding."

Jack thinks about that. Ianto wonders what's taking him so long. Jack finally says "No. Though strangely, I've done quite a few funerals."

Ianto makes a face.

"Not the way you're thinking." Jack says quickly "The women wanted me there for support. You can understand that."

"I think that's disgusting." Ianto immediately backpedals. "Not you. You're not disgusting. You're lovely. Just the idea that they'd bring an escort. I mean, a stranger who, um, didn't...who never... I mean, someone's dead."

"That's right. Imagine facing it alone. "

Ianto blanches. "Sorry. I'm a little nervous. I never thought something like this would happen to me."

"This happened to you?"

"Well, happen, in the sense that I picked up the phone, tracked you down, flew you here and gave you six grand out of my 401K." Ianto shrugs and Jack laughs at him. Ianto pulls something out of his wallet "Can I ask you something?"

Jack sees what he's unfolding. It's a crinkled New Yorker article. The artsy photo shows the face of a man, blurred against a neon cityscape. The title: "Discretion Assured: Diary of a Male Escort."

"How did you know that was me?"

"I have a friend at the magazine."

Jack huffs and sharply snaps "Your "friend" guaranteed my anonymity."

"If it makes you feel any better, to get your number, I had to cough up two round-trip tickets to Amsterdam and a case of mini-Baileys."

Jack shakes his head at him and pulls off his shirt. Ianto instinctively looks away.

"You can look. It's part of the package."

Ianto can't tell if he's joking. He sneaks a look as Jack disappears into the shower. Wow. Ianto looks down at the papers in his hand. He moves towards the bathroom but at the last minute, shies away.

"Would you grab my shampoo?" Jack calls out.

"Shampoo, got it!" Ianto grabs the shampoo and rushes into the bathroom.

Without looking in the shower, Ianto hands him the shampoo and hurries out, way too quickly. Jack peeks out of the shower curtain. He's gone. He shakes his head and closes the curtain. Suddenly, Ianto reappears. He stands by the door. "The part where you were a sexual surrogate and then started to, um, freelance. Is that really how it happened?"

Ianto pretends to straighten things up as he moves closer to the shower.

"The real story is that my mother was a hippie. And a stripper. She was insanely inappropriate with me. She used to wash her lingerie in my bathwater. While I was still in the bath."

"Oh, no" Ianto is aghast.

"Yeah. As an adult, I needed to find some way to experience intimacy and sex, but with rules that couldn't be violated." Jack calls as he lets his head fall back under the water.

Ianto's totally engrossed now. He closes the toilet lid and sits down. "Wow"

Jack pokes his head out. "Yeah."

Jack sees that Ianto's heartbroken for him, feels bad. "I'm just screwing with you."

Ianto throws a towel at him. "You shit!"

"I have a different story for every man or woman who asks. I look at her and figure out what she needs to hear to feel okay about being with me."

"And you thought I'd respond to the hippie stripper with no boundaries?" Ianto gapes.

"Admit it." Jack laughs "You were disturbed, but ultimately moved."

Ianto gives him a dirty look, and then examines the article again. "This part here. You say, and I quote. "Each woman has the exact love life she wants." (beat) That seems like a pretty broad generalization. What about men? Us too?"

Jack steps out of the shower. Ianto, his eyes at the level of his manhood, covers his subtle jaw-drop. Jack wraps a towel around his waist as Ianto tries to pull it together. he looks down at the article, tapping it indignantly "So...what was I...oh, yeah. Do you honestly think that I want to be single and miserable? That I want to be obsessed with some asshole who led me on for years then - out of the blue - shattered my heart."

"First of all, it's never out of the blue. And second of all…" Jack levels his gaze at him. "Yes."

"What?!"

"When you're ready to let go, to be unsingle and unmiserable, you will. Until then..." Jack shrugs and walks out of the room.

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Archie reads a book in the sitting room as Jenny scratches hieroglyphics on a white board featuring an elaborate chart of information. Ianto and Jack enter, see the chart.

Ianto hisses to Jack "Mom's refining her strategy for DDay."

"I'm sure General Eisenhower never had to master the finer points of the seating chart and centrepieces." Jenny says pointing proudly "Oh, and tomorrow afternoon you are carpooling to the country with the Fletcher-Davies'."

"Sir, yes, sir!" Ianto barks as he turns on his heel like a soldier, walks to Archie, and holds out his hand.

"Make sure you show Jack Regents Park." Jenny adds, winking "It's romantic at night"

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Archie doesn't look up, just pulls the car keys out of his pocket and tosses them past Ianto to Jack. "Better him on the wrong side of the road than you behind the wheel."

Ianto huffs grumpily and they head out.

Ianto and Jack walk toward the car.

"So, um. What about testing?" Ianto asks nervously.

Jack opens Ianto's door for him "There's a guy on 81st and Madison. You get your results in 24 hours. (beat) Do you make your lovers get tested before you sleep with them?"

"My sixth-grade science project was entitled, "Love Hurts: The Heartbreak of Human Papillomavirus." Trust me, I'm careful." Ianto gets in the car and Jack shuts his door.

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Jack drives while Ianto navigates. They crawl down a small street, which bustles with activity. Patrons of London's many pubs spill out onto the pavement.

"I love that you're asking questions, but do you really want to get into all of this?" Jack glances at him.

"This is awkward for me." Ianto admits "Talking about it makes me feel better."

Jack looks over at Ianto, who gets quiet. he picks at nothing on his Jacket. The TICK TICK TICK of the indicator fills the silence as Jack changes lanes.

"Hey." Jack whispered.

Ianto looks at him.

"Don't stop asking questions, okay?"

"Okay. " Ianto smiles, but stays quiet. Then "Do you pay taxes?"

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Jack holds the door open for Ianto as he gets out.

Jack is saying with a laugh "I swear. I don't have a signature move."

"Oh, come on. You're like the Yoda of escorts." Ianto scoffs "Getting you on the phone was harder than getting into college."

Jack turns off the car, gets out, walks around, and opens the door for Ianto. he gets out and stands by the door.

"I don't have gimmicks or play games. It's way more..." Jack rubs two fingers together, he can't think of the word.

"Subtle?"

"I disappear. It's not about me. It's about you." Jack is standing very, very close to Ianto now. he didn't even see him move but there he is. "It's hard to explain."

"Show me." Ianto demands but Jack shakes his head. "Come on."

Jack sighs "I've got this bad taste in my mouth. What is it? I think it's the words: "morally repugnant." Yeah, that's it"

Ianto tugs urgently on his waist. "Show me."

Jack doesn't say anything for a moment. Then he pushes him up against the car. It's a gentle movement, but firm. Ianto breathes in sharply from the power of it.

"Close your eyes"

Ianto's hesitant.

He looks around the empty parking lot but Jack takes his cheek and guides his eyes to his. "Close your eyes."

Ianto does. Jack leans in close and begins whispering into his ear with a hypnotic intensity. "I'm not going to kiss you. You can relax. You're safe."

Jack takes Ianto's head in his hands and moves his lips across the contours of his face. It's incredibly intimate. His mouth hovers over Ianto's but their lips don't touch. They breathe each other in.

"I'm not going to kiss you. Trust me. All you have to do is listen to my voice."

Ianto's body starts to relax. Slowly, he slumps back against the car.

"She's going to be so sorry she let you go."

He moves his lips across his eyelids.

"She'll look at you with your sexy suit and your perfect date but it won't matter because it's not about her. It's about you." as Jack slowly talks, he moves his lips across Ianto's forehead, then his cheek, then his nose "I want you to let go of the hurt. ...the insecurity ...the past. When you do, she'll see you the way I see you, and, in that moment, she'll finally understand what she lost."

Jack tips Ianto's chin towards him. Ianto opens his eyes. Jack is suddenly serious. "But by then, the amazing thing is...you won't care. "

Ianto shudders, and gradually comes to. His eyes are lazy, he feels off balance. "Holy crap. You're worth every penny. "

Jack gives him a half smile. "You better get going. "

Ianto is turned on and can't seem to move. "Okay, Yoda."

Silence.

"Go." Jack turns Ianto around and points him toward the bar next door. Wearing an almost dopey look of pleasure, he adjusts his underwear, and stumbles towards the bar. A sly smile creeps across his lips

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Ianto orders a line of shots … 20 for the party… passes out the shots to a pack of women all wearing hybrid golf-slut outfits: ass-tight polo shirts and plaid Capri pants abound. It's "Society Girls Gone Wild."

"Yo, ladies! Listen up! The bride has made the foolhardy and perhaps fatal request, that we play Pub Golf tonight. (holding up a shot) Behold hole one. There's a two stroke penalty for failure to finish a hole and a three-stroke penalty for barfing. Yell "Fore!" before you barf and it's only two strokes." He roars and clearly the girls are scared shitless. He continues "We've got eight more holes waiting at eight more bars, so in the name of all things sacred, pace yourselves! (raising her shot) To Rhiannon!"

Rhiannon loves the attention. "To me!"

Cheering, the girls blow out their shots and do their best to down them in one go. Just then, Jack walks in. All eyes are drawn to him. The WORLD SLOWS as he beelines for Ianto. He hands Ianto his red handkerchief "I thought you might need this."

Ianto gives Jack a shy smile. "Silly me, where was my head?"

Ianto can't help noticing that the group of girls has subtly clustered around Jack.

"Stay. Have a fiery drink with us." TJ asks with wide eyes.

"I don't know..." Jack says slowly, checking Ianto for a reaction.

A smitten girl puts a drink in Jack's hand. "Stay."

Jack looks to Ianto, he smiles. Rhiannon furrows her brow theatrically. Unfortunately, no one sees her.

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Jack is surrounded by women and completely at ease. Rhiannon's drunk and pouty. TJ stands between Ianto and Rhiannon. Oblivious to the brewing tension, she's eating beer nuts and staring at Jack. "It's like the director's cut of "9 1/2 Weeks." Right?"

She pops a nut in her mouth. "The thing about Jack is, you're either looking at him, or you're pretending not to. (beat) Me? I'm looking. (to Rhiannon) Can you believe Ianto gets to sleep with this guy?"

Rhiannon sneers. TJ turns back to Ianto and says "Honestly, you should send God a bottle of wine or a muffin basket."

TJ clinks glasses with Ianto. Ianto appreciates the attention. Rhiannon appreciates it less. She suddenly wails. "Why is he still here?!"

This snaps Ianto out of his reverie. he scurries into problem solving mode. "Oh, sorry. You're right. Girls only."

Ianto turns and throws Jack a look. Jack, ever sensitive to nuances, easily catches the hint and puts on his coat to go. "Ladies, thank you for granting me this rare glimpse into a timeless female ritual. (raising his glass) To the husbands who won you, the losers who lost you, and to the lucky bastards who have yet to meet you. Although … you know … there is definitely still a man with you all, please… don't peck him to death."

They all clink glasses. Ianto beams, until Rhiannon says with a sarcastic grin "And to the cock in the hen house."

Jack kisses Ianto on the cheek and smoothly departs. They all watch him walk out. TJ is still watching the door, as if Jack's essence has lingered. TJ sighs "I can't believe you met him first. It's so depressing. Somebody buy my wooha a drink."

Ianto raises his drink to TJ's nether region. "To TJ's lady business. And to Rhiannon!"

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"To Johnny!"

A Dozen men are at Lisa's downing their shots. Lisa immediately refills their glasses with tequila. Alcohol and alpha abound. Jack walks in the front door. He takes off his suit coat and tries not to feel like the chaperone at a frat party.

Over by the bar, Lisa stands with Johnny, eyeing Jack. "What's his problem?"

"What?"

"There's something about him that's just a bit odd"

"Other than, he's shagging your ex-boyfriend?" Johnny snorts at one if his oldest friends, the awkwardness weird as it was Lisa who brought him to the Jones house when his family moved into the neighbourhood.

"No, that's not it.' Lisa pours Johnny another drink. "You are a tosser."

Lisa's suddenly emotional. "Remember when we went hiking in the lake district and Rhiannon was wearing that little bikini thing."

"No." Johnny frowns.

"It was before you started going out. We had lunch at that inn on the lake."

"Oh, yes. Right." Johnny suddenly remembers "The Rat and Parrot. "

"And Ianto was fully clothed. Not even shorts." Lisa pokes at her drink.

"But, somehow, it was Ianto's arse that was stung by nettles. And you rubbed it with a dandelion leaf." Johnny snorted into his drink.

"That's when I realized I wanted to be a doctor." Lisa nods.

"Oh, shut up. You're an optician."

"Lasik surgeon, actually." Lisa takes a thoughtful sip of beer. "I didn't deserve him back then."

"And you do now?"

Lisa looks genuinely pained, then something dawns on her "Maybe I hate men."

Jack appears. "All men or just the two-legged ones who steal your money, screw your friends, and vacuum during the World Cup?"

Lisa laughs. She has no idea Jack is making fun of her.

Johnny helps "Lisa was just reminiscing about your boyfriend's backside."

Johnny crosses away and Lisa glances nervously at Jack.

"Look, the thing is." Lisa is stumbling on her words "About that love-of-my-life nonsense. I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything to Ianto. It was silly. It's all rather complicated."

Jack is about to respond when the music crescendos and a stripper strides in from the back room. Spotting Johnny, Lisa clothes-lines him and drags him off into a chorus of guy hoots and cheers.


	4. wants and costs

The bachelorette-party girls CHEER as they down drink number seven at bar number seven, an Australian outback-themed pub. Things have gone way downhill - or uphill - depending on how you look at it.

Ianto sits at the bar. In the background, Rhiannon dances drunkenly with TJ. Woody, the dorky, sexy Australian bartender, appears behind the bar with a drink for Ianto. "This one's on the house.

Ianto grabs his sleeve. "I'm worried. Rhiannon's not good at drinking. She gets sooo drunk sooo fast. Does free alcohol get you less drunk or more drunker? (to himself) Is it 'drunker' or 'drunker-er'?"

"Just drunk enough." Woody dumps out the free drink and exchanges it with a bottle of water. "If you switch now, you might be able to stand up for the ceremony."

Ianto looks at him for the first time and realizes he knows him. "Woody?"

Woody just smiles. "Not yet..."

"...but it's getting there. "Ianto clumsily lunges across the bar to hug him, knocking over a bottle of beer, which Woody deftly catches. "I thought you were living in San Francisco. Or was it Nepal?"

"Close. Sydney. Turns out, I missed the rain." He laughs at Ianto.

They take each other in. Ianto's smile is bleary. "You look so much better."

Woody's trying not to feel shy around Ianto. Ianto asks "Is this what you're doing? Bartending? (beat) Not that it's not great. It's just, you used to have dreams and plans."

Woody proudly points to Ianto's cocktail napkin. It says, WOODY'S WATERING HOLE.

"Whoa! Good for you!"

Woody's weighing something. He decides to say it. "I always wondered what happened with us."

Ianto is taken aback "I haven't thought about that in years."

Just then, Rhiannon comes up behind Ianto. "Did Ianto tell you he dumped you because of your funky breath?"

"Did Rhiannon tell you she keeps her Homecoming tiara by the bed?" Ianto snaps. To Ianto's annoyance, Rhiannon laughs. Ianto sighs "She's drunk. -er than me. But I didn't really dump you, did I?"

"Hard. " Woody smiles, sweetly. "Which was understandable - you were one of the hottest boys at the American School, but I sort of thought you'd be nicer...at least tell me why...'cause we were friends first. Was it the gay thing?"

Ianto's on the spot. Embarrassed. Rhiannon's drunk-dancing and mumbling to herself. "And we know Ianto was the hottest expat in school because he was voted Best Eyes, Brightest Smile, and Most Likely to Age Well. No, wait. That was me. Never mind."

Ianto can't take it. "Christ, Rhiannon."

"Oh, shut up and be happy. It's always this or that. You're never happy, you frowny-faced Grumplestilskin." She snaps at him and grimaces at his glare.

"Drunk isn't the same thing as happy, Rhiannon."

They both know they're serious but Rhiannon pouts and throws her arms around Ianto. "You're my half brother, but I whole love you."

Ianto's furious but he forces a smile. "Why don't you get my half sister her seventh hole?"

"Bacardi 151" Rhiannon demands. Woody disappears just as Rhiannon teeters and catches herself on the bar.

"Are you okay?" Ianto asks as he rises for his barstool.

Rhiannon's drunkenness turns. Tears well up in her eyes. "I don't think I can go through with this."

"Pub Golf?"

"The wedding." she hisses in a loud whisper "I am so, so bad! I don't think I should be allowed to get married."

Ianto is blindsided. "What are you talking about? "

Then, as quickly as she went into the darkness, Rhiannon pops out. She yells over to TJ. "TJ! Virginia Slim!"

TJ comes dancing up, hands Rhiannon a cigarette and a lighter. The crowd watches as Rhiannon puts the cigarette in her lips, pours the shot into TJ's open mouth and lights it on fire with her lighter. Then she leans over and LIGHTS HER CIGARETTE ON THE FLAMES COMING OUT OF TJ'S MOUTH.

The bar erupts in CHEERS but Ianto is left worried, troubled by Rhiannon's confession.

A beat, then he downs his shot.

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The cheers ECHO in the night as Jack helps Johnny walk towards his house. Johnny navigates the pavement like it's made of water. They reach the front door.

Jack asks while propping Johnny up "You're okay. You got it."

Johnny wobbles, then stands up by himself. Jack unlocks the door. Johnny slurs "Just because some slag's been paid for, doesn't mean you've got to...you know."

"It's been my experience that the people who hire a prostitute, need a prostitute." Jack agrees "You did the right thing."

Johnny blinks at Jack. "I think I love you, mate. (beat) How do you know so much about so much?"

"I'm a hooker."

Johnny bursts out laughing, pats him on the back, and walks into his house.

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The bachelorette girls ride home in "The Pub Prowler." It's a senior citizen med-van that's been pimped out with a full bar and an all-shag-all-the-time interior.

The girls are drunk and rowdy. Ianto climbs up behind the driver and taps her on the shoulder. "Can you pull over at the next seven ATMs?"

The Driver gives Ianto a dubious look, then pulls up to a bank. Ianto jumps out of The Pub Prowler and clumsily slots his ATM card into the machine. Ianto checks his tie in the mirrored security camera of a different ATM machine then flips through a stack of credit cards. He pulls out a different card and slips it in.

On screen: MAXIMUM WITHDRAWAL £200.

Ianto's at another ATM. In the Prowler, a couple of girls heckle passers-by as Ianto rifles through his cards, desperate for some un-maxed plastic.

-The Prowler drops off a couple more girls. Ianto walks back from an ATM and gets in.

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Ianto and Rhiannon wave at TJ as she trips out of the Prowler and stumbles towards her hotel. TJ waves back with a bright, happy smile as she shouts drunkenly across the lawn at them "That was awesome! How much do we rock? (beat) Fore!"

She whips around and throws up in a topiary. In the Prowler, Rhiannon and Ianto wince. TJ whips back up. "I WIN!"

She waves at Ianto and Rhiannon and trots past the Stoic Doorman, who holds the door open for her.

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Ianto and Rhiannon stand in the driveway of the Jones House. They watch as the Prowler pulls away. Rhiannon is about to head next door, when she turns to Ianto. "It was a great party. Thank you."

Rhiannon reaches out to hug Ianto. Ianto wasn't expecting the hug and it's awkward. Rhiannon senses it and pulls away.

"Do you want to come in for a minute?' Ianto asks "We could talk about …"

"When I freaked out at the pub?" she hiccups "That was nothing, just nerves. Don't worry about it."

"But I do. I will. You're my sister."

With a post-Bacardi 151 suddenness, Rhiannon's face contorts with shame. She recoils, an angry tear running down her face. "God, Ianto! Please. Don't be nice to me. I can take anything right now but you being nice to me. "

Ianto is wildly confused "What? Why? What do you mean?"

Rhiannon is suddenly in terrible distress. "I should get going."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. I promise."

Ianto wants to say more but Rhiannon is already walking away. Ianto turns towards the house and just catches the light shutting off in his upstairs room.

Ianto shuts the front door. He leans against it for a moment to get his balance, clear his head.

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Ianto sits at the kitchen table, a glass of water in front of him. He downs three aspirin and stares into the darkness.

Ianto starts up the stairs. The first step CREAKS loudly. Remembering countless school-age sneak-ins, Ianto flattens his foot against the back of each step and soundlessly walks up the stairs.

Jack is asleep in Ianto's bed, bare-chested under a single sheet. Ianto is standing with his back to the door, staring at Jack. Jack stirs, opens his eyes, and rises onto one arm. "You okay?"

Ianto walks to him, takes his hand. "Shhhh."

Ianto leads Jack down the driveway towards the Boat Trailer. On it, the twenty-six-foot Cabin Cruiser with peeling paint. Ianto unbuttons the weathered cover and peels it back. He climbs up a ladder and hoists himself into the boat. Jack smiles at the strangeness of this, and then climbs in after him.

In the cabin, Ianto flicks a couple of switches and a row of lights flicker on. He flicks another switch and a piercing sea-horn BLARES the "William Tell Overture." He scrambles to turn it off and checks the house for activity. Jack is laughing now. A dog BARKS in the distance.

Relieved, Ianto pushes a tape into an old radio. Music limps through hollow speakers. Ianto leads Jack into the cabin and onto the bed. Without taking his eyes off him, Ianto starts to slowly undress. His shirt drops to the floor. Then, a moment later, his trousers.

Ianto breathes deeply then reaches up to pull off his singlet. Jack watches Ianto's face as he lets it fall to the floor. Ianto is indeed a man who doesn't do naked - this is killing him. On the bed, Jack doesn't say anything, just watches. Ianto wants to read something into his stare. Longing, desire, anything. But he's utterly inscrutable. It's both unnerving and extremely sexy.

Ianto steels himself and removes his underwear. He loses his nerve momentarily and pulls them up again. Finally, he slips them off and tries not to laugh as se scurries onto the bed.

Hovering lazily in the waking dream of interrupted sleep, Jack gazes at Ianto. In a trick of light, the cabin windows glow liquid, as though the moon were reflecting off water. Jack runs his hand across Ianto's waist. Ianto's trying to hold back. Jack knows it and likes it. He takes Ianto's face in his hands and kisses him. It's amazing. A different kind of kiss. They pull back and look at each other.

In one swift movement, he flips Ianto underneath him. Suddenly, the space between them collapses and they attack each other.

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Ianto's house beams in the scarlet light of dawn. Two Bin-Men walk down the driveway toward the bins. They grab three bins and drag them noisily past the boat parked in the driveway.

Ianto and Jack, asleep, their faces pressed up against each other. They are entwined, naked. Also … they're covered with a fleece blanket and a pile of life vests. Jack opens his eyes and looks at Ianto, who is as calm and content as we've seen him. Then, he realizes where he is. It's like waking up in a strange hotel room, only weirder because it's a boat...in a driveway...in London.

Jack carefully extricates himself and begins to dress. We've seen this scene a thousand times before, but Jack's escape is breathtakingly precise and practiced.

Jack climbs down the ladder of the boat just as the Bin-Men are returning the empty bins beside the garage. Jack gives them a nod. "Morning."

The guys nod back and finish their job as Jack sneaks toward the house.

Archie and Jenny sit at the kitchen table. Archie's buried in the International Herald Tribune crossword puzzle. Jenny looks out the window and sees Jack creeping towards the house, shoes in hand. "He still thinks we don't know about the boat thing."

Archie looks up from his paper. He sees Jack, snorts, and goes back to his crossword.

Ianto's eyes flutter open. His hair is plastered into an impromptu quasi-mowhawk. He looks down at his "pillow." It's a buoy. Ianto suddenly sits bolt upright. He grabs a life vest to cover his naked crotch and looks around in horror. Then his eyes widen as he remembers the rest of the night.

Ianto slinks towards the house, retreading Jack's walk of shame.

Archie looks up from his paper and sees Ianto.

Ianto's almost to the house when he hears a loud, POUNDING. He looks up to see his father tapping on the window and laughing at him. Ianto's mortified, but can't help smiling. He waves and keeps walking.

Ianto gets to his bedroom and looks around frantically for something. He finds his wallet and checks to see if the ATM money is still there. It is. He breathes a sigh of relief, then, hearing footsteps, hastily stuffs the wad back in.

Jack opens the door, carrying a breakfast-in-bed tray. Ianto spins around, guiltily. " I wasn't sure what works for you, so I've got a pack of Saltines, a bottle of Pedialyte - preferred by infants and rock stars - an eggand-cheese sandwich, a black coffee, and a Bloody Mary. "

Ianto slumps onto the bed. He hasn't gotten his land legs back yet. "This is really sweet of you, but I need to ask you something. (desperately) What happened last night?"

Jack is taken aback. He sets down the tray. He's not sure what to say, then makes a decision.

"Nothing."

Ianto looks surprised, then sceptical. "Are you sure?"

"We kissed. Made out a little. Then you passed out."

Ianto stares at him long and hard. "Whether it's true or not, thank you."

Ianto disappears and Jack bites into a Saltine as the shower HISSES on. Then something catches his eye. It's Ianto's wallet lying next to the bed. Stuffed on top, a wad of money. His brow furrows, Jack picks it up and leafs through the stack of pounds and euros.

In the shower, Ianto lets the scorching water punish and purify him.

"What's this?" Jack yells.

Startled, Ianto peeks his head out of the shower curtain and sees Jack holding the pile of money.

"Oh. Shoot. I …" he retreats into the shower, yanking the curtain closed. He stands there (mouthing words) "Shit! Shit! Shit!"

Jack pulls open the curtain and Ianto instantly stops his pantomimed self-flagellation.

"Is this for last night?"

"Of course not. How...how could it be? Nothing happened." Ianto sputters with horror.

"If I was going to charge you, I would have told you beforehand. I thought I explained that."

Naked in front of Jack, Ianto is trying not to flinch. "I didn't want you to think I was expecting anything to be free or that I was expecting something at all. Well, clearly I was expecting something or I wouldn't have stopped at all those ATMs on the way home. (beat) By the way, would it have been enough? I mean, if something had happened. Which it didn't?"

Ianto wants to slip down the drainpipe. Jack looks at him, considers his words carefully. "Don't they have a limit at those machines?"

Ianto replies quietly "Not if you take an advance on your credit card."

Now Jack has to really try to stifle a laugh. Jack puts the money on the sink. He goes to leave, then turns back. "You're three hundred short."

With that, he walks out. In the shower, Ianto gently bangs his head against the tile. he looks down and notices something. "And my Male Brazilian wax looks like... Brazil. (resting against the tile) Awesome."


	5. dancing

in) Oh. J-A-C-K."

Before Jack can react he asks a question.

"You a boating man, son?" Archie's expression is inscrutable.

Jack weighs his options and then says "I am now, sir."

Laughing, Archie nods "At least somebody's using the damn thing. (beat) I was gonna fix her up but we took one trip and the kids fought so much, we never launched her again."

Just then, Ianto walks in with an air of feigned nonchalance. "That's not true. We checked for leaks a few years back. (kisses his father) Good morning."

"Ahoy!"

Ianto throws him a look. He chuckles. As Jack gets up to get himself some orange juice, Ianto corners him behind the refrigerator door. "So you're telling me. If something had happened last night...it would have cost me fourteen hundred dollars? That's a down payment on a Ford Focus!"

"Not dollars. Pounds." Jack pours a glass of juice and offers it to Ianto. Ianto shakes his head. "My rate isn't arbitrary. It was determined by prevailing market conditions. By the way, it includes oral. That's the extra three hundred... Pounds."

He smiles and sips his juice. Ianto is outraged by his presumption "And what if I didn't want you to...to do that to me?"

"No, no. The three hundred is for you doing it to me."

"What?" Ianto blinks.

"Believe me, if anything had happened, that would have been one of the highlights." Jack sniffs "For you."

"But nothing did"

"Yup. That's why you get to keep your money." Jack walks away. Sits down next to Archie. Ianto glares daggers at him. Jack smiles and toasts him with his juice.

Just then, Rhiannon enters in a flurry of cheerfulness, as if last night never happened. Jenny follows, carrying a clipboard. "Hey, Ginger! Hey, Gilligan! How much do I love all this? I'm going to get divorced and remarried over and over again so it'll last forever. Ianto, be a sweetie, and go help with the rings. No way Lisa's going to get it right."

Rhiannon breezes out.

Ianto grumbles to no one "I'd be happy to. You're welcome."

"Oh, don't be that way." Jenny scolds.

Archie is sticking up for Ianto "Come on, Jen. Leave him alone."

Jenny says to Ianto "It's not always about you, sweetie."

Ianto's stung. Jack watches out of the corner of his eye.

"How could you say that? Of course it's not about me. It's never about me when she's in the room because you two are on a special team. You might as well have T-shirts made up." Ianto lowers his voice. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm being so sensitive. I just get tired of being odd man out."

Jenny looks over at Archie who snorts "Tell me about it."

Jenny squeezes Ianto's cheek and kisses him. "Oh honey, it's not that I love Rhiannon more. It's that she lets me love her"

This flip comment hits Ianto hard.

Jenny obliviously laughs "I'm off. Ta-ta!"

As Jenny walks out, Archie raises an eyebrow, and then goes back to his crossword. Ianto stands a moment, feeling awkward. Ianto turns to Jack "Okay, then. I'll catch up with you at the dance thing... Cariad."

Jack gives Ianto a casual nod. He exits. Behind the Business section, Jack's face is a mask. Then he smiles. This guy is nuts.

.

.

A door BUZZES.

Ianto enters a jewellery store and approaches Sal, 60, a tough-talking, Cockney teddy bear.

"Hey, Sal."

"I heard you were back in town, kitty cat. You're here for the highland flings, I bet."

"I get all the glamour jobs." Ianto sighs theatrically.

He smiles and heads into the back. Ianto casually looks into the counter. His face is blank as se scans row after row of engagement rings. Sal re-emerges with two ring boxes. Ianto takes the rings and smiles.

"Thanks, Sally." he turns to go.

"The one I made for you is the cherries. She hang onto it or give it back?"

"Give it back? Are you nuts?" Ianto snorts.

"You pawned it."

"Not exactly. I wear it." Ianto says defiantly "On my right hand, fits my pinky. And only rarely."

Just then, the door BUZZES. Ianto turns. It's Lisa, tugging on the handle. Sal scowls. "You want I nut her in the boat?"

"Yes? No. What?" Ianto is flummoxed and adds "Save the patter for the tourists."

You want me to let her in?"

"Of course, don't be silly."

Sal BUZZES Lisa in and gives her the dirty eye before he disappears into the back.

"Hey, you!" Ianto smiles.

"Let me guess. Rhiannon presumed I'd forget the rings." Lisa huffs, "I think I'm her least favourite person. (beat) You know, I am sorry."

Ianto says as he is warming to her as a friend " Maybe not her least... There's always…"

"Johnny's mother." Lisa finches for him.

They share a moment.

"So, tell me, how's unmarried life?"

"I have regrets."

Ianto jumps down her throat, instantly abandoning his false largesse. "Whoa, Lisa. Slow down. You and me, we're the past. I'm not sure if you noticed, but I'm here with someone else."

"Ianto, we must talk. This guy, there's something not quite right."

"It's called character. God, you're predictable."

"Is that why you brought him?" Lisa demands angrily "Because of me."

Ianto laughs way too hard. "Don't be absurd."

Ianto is about to walk out the door, but he can't help herself. He stops. "I brought him here because he's my boyfriend. Because I adore him. Because late at night he takes me in his arms and..." Ianto leans in and whispers something into Lisa's ear. "I'd stick around and explain what that means, but even if I give you the instruction manual, it doesn't mean you've got the tools to get the job done."

Ianto tries not to do a little "fuck-you" jig as he walks out the door.

Ianto strides away but Lisa catches up to him. He secretly smiles at the power he is exerting over her as Lisa begs "Ianto, wait. I don't want you hating me. We've never had this talk. You know how crap I am at this."

"Um, news flash: I don't give a shit."

"Ianto, stop it. You do. You can't even look me in the eye. You went back to the States when we split up." Lisa sees Ianto flinch. She knows she's hit something.

Ianto looks away. "That was a long time ago."

"It was. And it took your sister getting married to get you back here."

Ianto is wavering "So, what's your point?"

"I should have told you why I broke up with you. I was a coward. You deserve to know."

Just then Jack walks up. He puts a protective hand on Ianto's back and shakes Lisa's hand. "Hey, girl."

"Sorry, can you give us a moment?" Lisa demands with annoyance.

"No, I can't. We're late for a dance lesson. I guess you'll have to finish up later." Ianto gives Jack an angry look as he pulls him away.

.

.

.

Ianto, furious, charges up the stairs. Jack is talking as he struggles to keep up "Hello, goodbye, I want you, I hate you. It's all just words. None of it means anything. What matters is what you do. You either stay put or you walk away. If you look back, you're not walking away!"

"Oh, cut the crap!" Ianto snaps.

"I just hate seeing you so stuck. "

"She was about to un-stick me!" Ianto swung around hissing "I paid you to help me get closure."

"You paid me for a lot of reasons. Closure wasn't one of them" Jack replies, annoyed too.

Ianto is infuriated. He huffs and pushes open the door.

Jack and Ianto burst in, late. Glistening hardwood floors, mirrored walls. Eyes closed and hands clasped, Rhiannon and Johnny stand in a circle with Sonja, late 50's, the melodramatic dance teacher. Ianto and Jack join the circle.

Ianto is mumbling "Sorry."

Sonja barely tolerates the interruption, closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. "The wedding dance is, sans doubte, the most important dance-moment in a person's life."

Johnny cracks open his eyes to see if anyone else thinks this is a crock of shit. Jack catches Johnny's eye. Rhiannon darts Johnny a "pay attention" look.

"A room full of friends, family, enemies...watching, smiling, betting on how long the marriage will last. All you'll have is each other and whatever skills you acquire today" Sonja purrs.

Ianto's grip on Jack's hand tightens. Johnny cracks open his eyes again. This time, he looks unnerved.

There are people who will tell you that the wedding dance is symbolic of a couple's compatibility. Of a rapport that cannot be faked. That an unskilled man on the dance floor is a man who lacks grace in bed. (beat) These people are right." Sonja claps three times. "Eyes open and pair off!"

They all open their eyes wide.

Johnny and Rhiannon dance awkwardly to a standard as Sonja gives them instructions.

Ianto and Jack are dancing sedately, if awkwardly. There is still tension between them. Ianto, contrite, dares a glance into his eyes. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch. I really appreciate your doing this. "

Jack simply replies "It's my job."

Ianto gazes deep into his eyes. A long look. The longest he's been able to sustain since the boat. He can't read him.

Sonja says to Rhiannon and Johnny "She knows you better than anyone. You know her better than she knows herself. Where does that feeling live? I don't care if it's your heart, your head, or your crotch. Find that place and dance from it."

"You know what pisses me off? I've been spilling my guts all weekend but I don't know anything about you. Not one thing." Ianto whispers.

Jack looks down at him, considering. "I'm allergic to fabric softener, I majored in Comparative Literature at Brown, and I think I'd miss you even if we had never met."

Ianto blinks, the power of his words hitting him hard. They dance a moment in silence.

"Now will you tell me how you became an escort?"

Jack smiles enigmatically. Then without warning he spins Ianto around, the reels him in tight. In a hyper-romantic cinematic flourish, the music sharpens as if it's no longer coming from an old record player but from a classic MGM soundtrack.

Jack and Ianto are weightless as they glide across the floor. Their eyes stay locked on each other as though it were this connection, and not gravity, that keeps them on earth. Ianto and Jack seem to slow down but the world stays at normal speed.

Sonja is astonished. She stops and watches.

Rhiannon and Johnny turn as they notice what's going on. They stop dancing and stare too, slacked-jawed, as Jack and Ianto float past, completely wrapped up in each other.

Jack and Ianto are incredible together.

The music CRESCENDOS as Jack gracefully spins Ianto to a perfect stop.

" So you can't dance, eh? Bloody liar." Johnny mutters.

Jack and Ianto crash back to earth. They stop dancing. The walls close in and the music sucks back into the speakers.

"I thought you said you were crap." Johnny demands.

"I had to say something to get you here."

"Fair enough, but I'm stepping on toes here and you're waltzing around like..." Johnny splutters, waving his hand at them both.

Rhiannon has his back "Fred Astaire and what's her face!"

"It's not me. I swear" Jack claims "It's him. He's magic."

Ianto blushes. Sonja claps her hands, happily. "And, switch partners!"

.

.

.

Jack, Ianto, Rhiannon, and Johnny walk out of the studio. Johnny skips down the steps and onto the street. Then he realizes what he's doing and abruptly stops. "You'd better get going. My parents will be 'round to cart you off to the country."

"Whatever you do, don't mention Italy. Or politics. Or baby buggies.' Rhiannon warns "Or Edith Piaf."

"You're probably best off pretending you're asleep." Johnny sighs. He grabs Rhiannon by the neck and pulls her away. Rhiannon laughs but Ianto catches a look on his sister's face. It's not quite nervousness. It's something closer to panic.

Rhiannon waves over her shoulder as they walk away.


	6. Tony pee-pants?

Archie tows the boat with an annoyed Jenny in the passenger seat. As they pull out of the driveway, they wave to Jack, who sits on a stone wall in front of the house. Jack talks on his cell phone, Ianto's bags piled high next to him, as Pigeons walk and flap around him.

Ianto appears carrying two bottles of water. When Jack sees Ianto, he hangs up too quickly. Ianto pretends not to notice. He eyes the pigeons suspiciously. "Pigeons creep me out. They're like dirty doves...plotting something. "

Jack playfully pulls Ianto down next to him. Spooked by the increasing number of pigeons, Ianto inches away from them and closer to Jack. Ianto frowns, suddenly pensive. "How do you have real relationships? You know, ones you don't get paid for?"

Jack isn't sure he wants to get into this.

"You have had girlfriends? Boyfriends?"

"Sure, but it's never easy. They say they're okay with it, and they are...for a while. Then one day, they're not."

They sit in silence. It's not awkward, it's nice. London beams under a rare cloudless sky.

"When I said I'd never done a wedding before, I didn't say that no one ever asked. I just never said yes." Jack says after a while.

"So, why'd you say yes to me?"

"There was something in your voice on the phone that day" Jack admits.

"Desperation?"

Jack doesn't acknowledge his joke. Ianto sneaks a look at him.

"I think it was hope" Jack finally says.

Ianto hides a smile as his leg touches his. They are both keenly aware of the contact. "What would you do if you weren't an escort?"

"Make out with you for free" Jack puts his arm around him. Ianto laughs. Jack asks "What would you do if you stopped worrying about what other people think?"

"Spontaneously combust?"

They sit in silence a moment. Just then, Johnny's parents drive up in a beautiful old Bentley. Johnny's mother reaches over her embarrassed husband and HOOTS the horn.

.

.

.

.

Barry drives through the lush countryside while Beryl carries on. In the back seat, Ianto drops his head on Jack's shoulder; they've clearly been enduring this awhile.

.

.

.

They are at the Fletcher-Davies Estate. Jack, Ianto, and Johnny's parents unload the Bentley and carry their bags up the steps of a stately stone mansion.

A small boathouse sits at the edge of a charming lake that borders the main property. Nearby, "Lady Ship" struggles to stay afloat as pasty kids sun themselves on the moored junker. Johnny mans an elaborate grill as guests in summer hats mill about.

At a picnic table, Archie plays poker with Jack, Ianto, and TJ. From the pile of money in front of him, it's clear Archie's kicking ass. Archie throws in ten pounds.

TJ says in a shrewd poker voice "You know, I might just call you... but if I did...I would lose... because my hand blows."

She throws down her cards. Ianto studies his hand and tosses in a bill. "Call."

All eyes are on Jack.

"Let's see what kind of a man my son's found for himself." Archie demands.

Jack looks down at his money. Ten pounds. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a huge wad of cash. Everyone is in shock but he doesn't notice. He strips off a hundred, tosses it in the pot, and takes back sixty. "Raise you thirty."

Archie raises an eyebrow.

ON TJ, looking at Jack. She leans over to Ianto and whispers while pointing at Jack's lap "Can I see it? Just for a sec?"

Ianto laughs and hits TJ.

"Come on, it's so not fair. At least describe it to me." TJ hisses.

Just then, Jack's cell phone rings. Archie plucks the phone out of Jack's hand. Ianto darts a worried look at Jack and reaches for the phone.

"Daddy!"

Archie won't give it up. He answers. "I'm sorry, Jack's about to win a pile of my money. He's gonna have to call you back."

Ianto and Jack are frozen as Archie listens.

"Thank you for your understanding, ma'am. And good luck putting out that fire." He hangs up the cell phone and looks quizzically at Jack. "What is it you do again?"

"What would you say if I told you I was a member of an elite task force employed to safeguard our nation's most precious resource: your son."

Archie snorts. "Oh, yeah, shrink. Call."

Ianto hides his relief. Archie throws in the cash. "Let me save you some trouble. My old man hit the bottle like it was his job and he had a mean streak as wide as the English Channel. So, me? I drink in moderation and have never raised my voice around a kid."

Ianto throws in thirty pounds.

Archie lays down a PAIR OF ACES AND TWOS. "What do you say to that?"

"I say that feeling compelled to do the opposite of your parents is as enslaving as emulating them." Jack lays down his hand. THREE KINGS. Archie shakes his head. Jack glances at Ianto. he twinkles at him, then lays down a LOW STRAIGHT.

"That's my boy!" Archie crows.

Ianto does a little dance as he swipes the pile of money toward him. Jack can't believe it.

"Best thing about being a dad is when your kid starts kicking your ass- …" Archie says happily.

"…and the ass of the man who adores him." Jack rises from the table, but his comment lingers. Ianto searches his face, wondering if he was serious. He holds his gaze a moment, then begins picking up the cards.

Johnny appears holding a plate piled high with bangers. "Anybody seen my future-wife? (re: sausages) She'll kill me if I don't serve her first."

"Have you guys ever had a real, honest-to-God fight?" Ianto asks.

Johnny thinks about that. Then lies … Of course. "Yeah, right. I hear that make-up sex is the best kind. Unfortunately, I'll never know."

Archie calls out to Jack "Hey, Sigmund, you think you could rustle up the bride and tell her to join the party?"

"Will do." Jack smiles at Ianto and heads toward the boathouse. Ianto watches with a hint of apprehension.

Jack hums while walking across a carpet of pine needles. He passes through a latticework of shadows and steps into the boathouse. Rhiannon and Lisa, their backs turned, are in the middle of an argument.

Rhiannon is pulling her arm away "I said no! I'm getting married tomorrow! What do you want from me?"

Rhiannon turns and sees Jack. Her face falls. Lisa sees him, too, and blanches, then badly covers "Right, then. I'll get you a Tofurky Burger instead."

Lisa walks out stiffly and Rhiannon, mortified, turns and stares blankly out the window.

"Sorry to interrupt. Your dad sent me." Jack finally says softly.

"What for?"

"To make sure you're okay."

Rhiannon turns around and looks at the tiny boathouse. Although it had looked perfect to us before, under her gaze, we see all the cracks and dirt. "You know all that "if these walls could talk" stuff? Do you believe it? That a place has a memory?"

"Actually, I do. "

Rhiannon's expression clouds as her eyes fall on the bedroom door. Through the open door, Jack can see a small bed surrounded by bookshelves. "This place has been in Johnny's family forever. We used to spend weekends out here every summer."

She sighs "God, I hope it doesn't remember everything."

LAUGHTER floats in from outside, an ironic soundtrack to Rhiannon's desperation.

Jack pushes out the chair across from him. Rhiannon looks at him a moment, then sits down.

.

.

.

Ianto is standing with his mother, absentmindedly looking for Jack, when Lisa approaches. "May I have a word? It'll be just a minute."

"Let me think. You stole seven years of his life with your charm and your bullshit and now you want a couple more minutes? Sure. Go right ahead."

As Lisa walks away, Ianto whispers to his mother. "Thanks for the solidarity, but next time? A little less information."

Ianto follows Lisa toward the lake.

.

.

Rhiannon is now sitting across from Jack at the kitchen table. Jack is shell-shocked. "Does Ianto know?"

Rhiannon doesn't even bother shaking her head. "It was such a long time ago. A phase, ya know?"

"Still…"

"If Johnny ever found out..." she whimpered.

"Or Ianto..."

"And he wonders why I swim to the bottom of a Lemondrop every time I see him." Rhiannon sobs.

Jack pushes back from the table. He's at a loss for words.

.

.

.

Lisa speaks to Ianto with disarming sincerity. Ianto tries to keep his guard up, but despite himself, he's listening.

"You were so good to me. I swear I never meant to hurt you. We were together what, five years?"

"Seven if you count the on-and-off years. Which I do" Ianto replies.

"Right. Seven." She nods then starts, realizing "Christ, that's a long time, isn't it?"

"Not for a dog."

"Well, we had a lot of good years, but then..." Lisa fumbles.

"Is this supposed to be an apology?"

"It's not supposed to be anything, Ianto. It's just my rather feeble attempt to... Oh, I don't know. (beat) You see, I thought I could deny my feelings…"

Something catches Ianto's eye: Jack exiting the boathouse. Even from this distance, he knows that something is wrong.

"You're not even listening." Lisa pouts.

"When we were together I was "too here," now I'm not here enough." Ianto sighs, then he walks away from Lisa through a stand of trees and meets Jack.

In the background, Lisa watches, confused, then walks away. Ianto reaches out and touches Jack's arm, tentatively. "Are you okay?"

Ianto's tenderness finds its way into Jack. It takes him a moment to recover.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah."

They look at each other a moment.

"Let's go." Ianto whispers.

.

.

Jack and Ianto walk back to the main house. Side by side, they cut through a picturesque glen. Jack shoots Ianto an anxious glance, deciding whether to reveal what he knows. Ianto catches him and smiles back, sweetly. Jack takes his hand and kisses it, surprising him. His eyes turn back toward the house but he doesn't let go of his hand.

.

.

.

Night time again. Ianto is getting ready. He's up on his tiptoes, doing his hair in the mirror. The radio is blaring Air Supply. Ianto sings along, passionately, embarrassingly.

Ianto was clearly lying about not liking the cheesy greatest hits. He knows every word. Somehow, he seems different, freer. He's singing like he means it.

.

.

.

Jack and Archie are on a balcony, sipping cocktails, stand on a back balcony overlooking the party preparations. In the backyard below, Jenny zips around, hissing orders at the Staff "You, with the hair and all the bright ideas. Paper lantern plus open flame equals no-no."

"That woman is insane. God damn if I don't love her." Archie smiles.

Jack wants to come clean but can't find the courage. He chooses his words carefully. "Ianto does this thing. He stands on his tiptoes when he's looking in the mirror. You ever notice that?"

"Rhiannon is from my first marriage. Even then she was reserved, sulky and needy. Spent more time with her mother, I didn't know if I was a good father or not." Archie smiles, he knows what Jack's talking about. "I remember the day I met Ianto. It was in New York. I'd been dating Jenny for a few months, and she finally trusted me enough to introduce me to her kid. So I'm over at her place and in walks this little two year old monster that won't stop talking. He hands me a walkie-talkie made out of an orange juice can and drags me over to his fort. The fort was this lop-sided mess of blankets and the walkie-talkie almost took my ear off, but he was having the time of his life. (shaking his head) That was it. I was a goner."

A wave of nostalgia passes over him. "That was the day I became a dad. Not a father … a dad. And from that moment on, I just knew. I'd give that little boy everything he ever needed, I'd love him unconditionally, and I wouldn't let him out of the house until he was thirty."

Jack laughs.

"You think it's going to get easier when they get older." Archie shakes a finger "That you're going to worry about them less. Or trust the world more. But that's just not how it goes."

They stand in silence a moment.

"I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to you, Sir, but I'd like to ask permission to date your son."

Archie gives Jack an intense but unreadable look. "The ladies are fond of you, Jack. I can see that. I also see that whatever else you are, you're a helluva good guy. (beat) he paid a real price dating Lisa. This will be different, won't it?"

Jack's not sure what Archie knows. He wants to assure him, to make promises. Instead, he says nothing. Archie and Jack look at each other, a silent understanding between them.

.

.

.

The rehearsal dinner in the garden is underway. Strung with paper lanterns, the yard looks enchanted. The usual suspects are packed around a candle-lit table, absorbed in lively conversation. Lisa, brooding, doesn't engage, just drinks heavily.

At the centre of it all, Jack is quietly relishing being a part of this family dinner. Ianto and Jack make eye contact. They've finally caught up with the couple they were pretending to be at the beginning of the weekend.

Jenny's voice cuts through the din like a knife "I blame Tony Pee-Pants!"

"Oh, no." Ianto groans to Jack "She tells this story at every major holiday."

"Why should this be any different?" Jenny asks taking Jack's arm "Besides, I have to initiate Jack into the family. (to Jack) I blame Tony for why my two kids can't seem to get along".

Ianto and Rhiannon moan, here we go.

"Oh, don't deny it. You barely tolerate each other."

"It's true. All you have in common is that you both secretly want to be me." TJ laughs raising her glass "Cheers."

Ianto whispers to Jack "She blames Tony Pee-Pants Pinterello for everything. The fall of the British Empire, the Cold War, the internet."

"It was just after we moved here. My little babies got in a fight over Tony Pee-Pants and they haven't made up since."

Rhiannon rolls her eyes, saves them all from Jenny by telling the story herself. "Apparently, Ianto and I were inseparable. "

"If Ianto ate a banana, Rhiannon threw it up." Jenny nodded.

"If Rhiannon threw it up, Ianto ate it." TJ giggles and Ianto hisses soffly at her.

"Toshiko!"

Beryl is vaguely disgusted. She pulls a face. Jenny waves a hand in front of her eyes. This story always kills her.

"We were eating and puking together in harmony until one day, Tony walked me home from school. He was my first boyfriend." Ianto says pointedly "I was fourteen."

"So Tony Pee-Pants starts ignoring Ianto. He wanted to play with me." Rhiannon snorts.

"You practically bribed him with your erector set." Ianto wailed with fake annoyance.

Jack whispers aside, to Ianto "Fourteen and he's hoodwinked by a an erector set?"

"I didn't say he was worth it." Ianto replies flippantly, his hand covering Jack's.

They share a private smile.

"Whatever. The point is, Tony ended up with a chair in his face." Rhiannon finished.

Jenny says in Ianto's defence "It was plastic. And child-sized. But there were some stitches involved."

"Like fifteen." TJ adds.

"Dad made me go over and apologize the next day." Ianto sighs.

"I'm an American and in America, people sue. So to prevent a lawsuit, I baked a tart. And I don't bake." Jenny shuddered with horror at the memory.

"So Dad rang the bell and when Tony Pee-Pants opened the door, I threw the tart at him and popped his stitches." Ianto tells Jack with wide eyes.

Archie laughs, remembering. Jenny hits him on the arm.

"Sorry." Archie laughs. He chuckles again. "You should have seen his face-(he makes a surprised face) Then, boom. Right in the kisser."

Jenny asks shaking her head "What happened to my little angels?"

Rhiannon and Ianto both ignore their mother, who's misting up.

"And that's when he peed in his pants?" Jack asks "After the tart?"

"He bled a bunch, but no, there was no peeing." Ianto shakes his head.

So what's with the nickname?

They all think about that.

"I have absolutely no idea." Jenny finally admits.

Everyone laughs.


	7. the last dance is forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whew... insomnia works for you guys right? Look at this... finished it already. Will peruse my library and maybe give you another.

Many of the guests have gone. Empty bottles of wine litter the table. Only the immediate family, TJ, Jack and Lisa remain. Lisa's still drinking heavily and Ianto's not at the table.  
Ianto pulls a bottle of wine off the top shelf just as someone comes up behind him. Ianto feels a hand on his back, spins around and drops the bottle. Lisa reaches out and grabs it before it drops. She looks at his sombre face, takes the bottle, and sets it back on the shelf.  
"Okay, let's do this. What's the big confession?" Ianto demands.  
.  
.  
.  
Jack looks for Ianto. Concern crosses his face as he notices that Lisa's gone, too. Jack picks up a couple of empty wine bottles off the table.  
Jack drops the bottles into a recycling bin then looks over at the basement door.  
Jack stands at the top of the cellar stairs. He's eavesdropping, partially concealed by the half-open door.  
"Well, in a way, you were right. The prob was, you were in love. I wanted to be. But I wasn't." Lisa was talking. "If I'd have confessed, you would have forgiven me. But the truth is, I didn't want to be forgiven. I sort of just needed it to end."  
Ianto processes Lisa's words, tries to be open.  
"Bollocks, I'm sorry. I had no idea this would be so difficult."  
"Relax. Take a breath and just say it. It's no big deal. I promise." Ianto assures her.  
" Brilliant." Lisa snaps, then rubs her face.  
"Well, it was a big deal. As late as...yesterday. Or this morning. (beat) But not anymore." Ianto admits and Jack smiles. Ianto then says "And you were right - it is why I brought Jack with me...because I wanted to drive you insane. To torture you slowly, for the entire weekend. But then something happened. I started to fall for him. And now, and I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, now I'm sick of you and me, of our story."  
Jack, almost giddy with happiness, moves away from the door, then back towards it again. Finally, he closes it quietly and leaves.  
Downstairs, Ianto takes Lisa's hand. "It's the past. It's nothing but ghosts. So just get it off your chest, then let's go back upstairs and eat some tiramisu".  
"I slept with your sister."  
Silence.  
"I'm sorry?"  
"I shagged Rhiannon. Two years ago. That's why I ended it. And then, after you left, sod it, we kept at it like rabbits until we both realized it was absolutely mad. And, you know, morally wrong. Then there was that one other time. And that was it."  
Ianto stares at him, blood pounding in his ears.  
Last Christmas when Johnny proposed, I realized...I'm in love with her. I can't lose her"  
Ianto feels like he's trapped in a horror movie. He's got to get out of here. In a daze, he turns around and heads toward the stairs.  
"What?" Lisa calls after him "Good lord, say something. You said I should tell you the truth"  
Ianto stops dead, his jaw stiffens. When he turns and looks at her, his face is filled with loathing. "I wasted two years grieving this?"  
Ianto laughs. It is so close to tears that the sound catches in his throat. He shakes his head, wearily, and mechanically walks up the stairs.  
Ianto emerges like a sleepwalker. he looks for Jack, doesn't find him anywhere. he drifts toward the table. Lisa appears in the doorway behind him.  
TJ is the first to look up. She sees Ianto's face, sees Lisa, and knows what happened. TJ goes to Ianto. "Oh, no. She told you. "  
"You knew?"  
"I'm so sorry."  
Ianto shakes his head and looks past TJ to Rhiannon. Rhiannon meets her brother's gaze and instantly gets it. Desperate to keep this from Johnny, she heads Ianto off. "Please don't say anything."  
Ianto looks at Rhiannon like they've never met. Rhiannon's eyes are wild, silently pleading. "Please."  
Ianto has never felt more alone. He looks everywhere for Jack. He finally emerges from the house and comes to Ianto's rescue, folding him in his arms. Ianto holds onto him for dear life. Then… Rhiannon snarls to Jack "I can't believe you told him!"  
Ianto pulls away from Jack, confused. As he stumbles backwards, all he sees is Jack's face. All he hears is Rhiannon's voice, miles away. "You said your job was discretion. You couldn't wait until you got back to New York?"  
Jenny and Archie watch, confused, as Ianto runs out. Jack runs after him as Johnny approaches Lisa.  
"What's going on?"  
Lisa looks straight at her best friend. "Nothing."  
Johnny is sceptical "Doesn't look like nothing."  
Lisa puts his arm around Johnny "Now is not the time to catch on. It is, however, time for another round."  
.  
.  
Ianto staggers down the moonlit lane. he's barely staving off a breakdown. Jack runs up behind him. "Ianto!"  
Ianto charges forward, blindly, as Jack follows. "Come on! Don't be…"  
Ianto's anger swells, he spins around. "What?! I can't believe I trusted you! How could you not tell me!?"  
Jack sees the pain in Ianto's face. It's pain for Lisa, for the past.  
"Jesus, Ianto. What did you want me to say? That your sister slept with your fiancé? That everybody knew and no one respected you enough to tell you?" Jack is not used to being angry. He grows uneasy, hedges "Besides, you hired me for my discretion."  
"You've always got that to hide behind, don't you? It's just business!"  
"Yeah! For all I know, come Monday morning, we'll go back to the real world and... and you'll be hiring me for your best friend!"  
Ianto's face fills with hurt.  
"I mean, come on" Jack scoffs "Did you actually think we'd be boyfriends?"  
This stops Ianto a moment, then "You let me make a fool of myself! You lied to me! I don't know why that surprises me because lying is what you do. It's your job. It's who you are. How would you even know if something were real?"  
You're judging me?!" Jack asks "Oh, that's a good one. You're lying to me, you're lying to your family, and you're lying to yourself. But you're going to stand there and point a finger at me? The man you hired to pretend to be your boyfriend?"  
Silence. Each wants the other to fight for it. But neither does.  
Ianto gives up. "You're right. I was so desperate to make everyone believe I was happy that I spent six grand on a lie. And after all that? The only one who ended up falling for it was me."  
"Go ahead, Ianto. Hate me. You were running out of steam on the whole Lisa thing. Maybe now you'll be able to hold onto this just long enough to ruin your next relationship." Jack's had enough. He turns and walks away, leaving Ianto stunned.  
.  
.  
.  
The party is over, the house lights low. Moonlight washes over Jack as he carries his packed suitcase to his car. Johnny comes out of the house, jogs up to Jack.  
"I'll just check into a hotel."  
"Don't be ridiculous. It's late and the place is empty." Johny replies "Just take my car"  
Johnny hands him a set of keys and adds "I don't know what's going on with you two, but I'm sure it'll work out. You couldn't be more perfect for him if he picked you out of a catalogue."  
Jack smiles, wearily. "Thanks, man."  
Jack tosses his bag in back and gets in the car.  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto stands at the window, his eyes puffy. He watches as Jack drives away, then he turns around.  
His mom and dad wait in the darkened living room. Ianto tries to be strong, but then he goes to his father, burying himself in his arms. Jenny hides a pang of disappointment as she gently touches Ianto's head.  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto straightens up her room. A KNOCK on the door and Rhiannon walks in.  
"Hey."  
"Hey." Ianto keeps cleaning up.  
I just wanted to say thank you. For not outing me in front of Johnny. I want to tell him. Just not on the night before our wedding. With these kind of things, timing is everything."  
Ianto turns on his sister, he's smiling. "You're right. You should really time it right so when he hears that you repeatedly screwed his best friend, he doesn't feel like the world is collapsing around him and there's no escape because you tricked him into marrying you."  
Rhiannon wasn't ready for Ianto's intensity, she backs towards the door. "You know what? I'm not having this conversation right now."  
"Sure, disappear. We've been walking away our whole lives."  
Rhiannon turns around and faces Ianto, willing to hear anything.  
"I'm not even going to discuss the fact that you screwed my fiancé because you've always been a spoiled, amoral, little princess." Ianto says conversationally Rhiannon looks horrified but Ianto's not backing down. "But I put up with all of it because I really believed that deep down, you loved me and you were a good person. I really thought you deserved someone like Johnny. God I envied you guys. Somehow, he made your selfish bullshit seem okay. Almost endearing."  
Rhiannon looks at Ianto with tears in her eyes.  
"And now I know. You didn't deserve any of it. You were just lucky." Ianto looks at his sister, sadly. "Don't worry, Rhiannon. Your wedding will be perfect. Tomorrow, I'll smile and say all the right things and you'll deal with Johnny when you're ready. But right now, tonight, I can't pretend it's okay."  
Rhiannon, stricken, exits. As she leaves, her shoulders start to shake. She is crying. Ianto's reflex is to go to her, but he stops himself. It's too soon to forgive.  
he walks over and closes the door.  
.  
.  
.  
Jack stands, alone in the darkened boathouse, speaking on his cell phone.  
"And that's the first flight out?" He writes something down on a piece of paper. "All right, thank you."  
He hangs up and sits down on the edge of the bed. He looks at the floor.  
At nothing.  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto lies in bed. He stares at the ceiling. At nothing.  
.  
.  
.  
Next morning Ianto's eyes flutter open. he's not refreshed and he doesn't feel better. The only thing that's changed is that it's morning. Ianto looks up at the ceiling. "I'm okay."  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto's suit is flawless and his hair is perfect but his eyes are clouded with pain and sleeplessness.  
"I don't believe you." Jenny sits next to Ianto in a barber's chair.  
"No, I'm fine, really. Nothing a bottle of Jack and a straight razor can't fix." Ianto's trying to be light, but his eyes are a dead giveaway. Ianto draws in a long breath, trying to summon some semblance of joy. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. Today's Rhiannon's day."  
he braves a glance at his mother's face. Jenny's not buying.  
.  
,  
.  
Ianto stands in the car park behind the salon, furtively sucking on a cigarette as he pulls off an old nicotine patch. Choking, he throws down the cigarette as the salon door opens and Jenny steps out. "What's going on with you two?"  
" I was pretty hard on her last night." Ianto is welling up "And now she's getting married."  
"There's a reason I always tell that Tony Pee-Pants story, you know."  
"Trust me. This is bigger than Tony Pee-Pants."  
Jenny is pressing on "Before Tony, you and your sister were best friends. I couldn't split you up. If your sister ate the spinach, you ate the spinach. If you threw up…"  
"Mom, please."  
"Anyway, when that boy came over, it was the first time you ever did anything without her. And Rhiannon wasn't just jealous...she was sad and lonely. She missed you."  
"She did?"  
"So she flirted with Tony, and you got mad and sent him away. Who did that leave? (beat) You and Rhiannon. Reunited."  
Ianto stands, stunned, as Jenny brushes her hand against Ianto's cheek.  
"I wish I had known it would go by so fast."  
Ianto watches, full of emotion, as Jenny leaves with tears in her eyes.  
,  
,  
,  
A series of images as Wedding preparations transform the austere church. A carpet is unrolled down the aisle. A bouquet is affixed to a pew. Programs are laid out.  
.  
.  
Bag in hand, Jack locks up the boathouse and sets the keys on top of the door frame.  
.  
.  
.  
Limos wait outside both Ianto's house and the house next door. Jenny fusses with Rhiannon's dress as they walk toward the car. Archie and Ianto follow, arm in arm.  
Archie looks at Ianto, who is trying to be brave. It's almost working.  
.  
.  
.  
Rhiannon nervously fusses with her dress when Ianto walks in. Ianto stops when he sees his sister, glowing in a beam of dusty light. It takes Ianto's breath away. "Wow. You look beautiful."  
"Yeah. Most important day of my life. Whatever. Listen, I chose you to be my Man of Honour for a lot of reasons: I love you, you're my favourite, and only, half-brother, blah blah blah. But the main reason I picked you is because you've been so miserable for the past few years, I knew you wouldn't outshine me. (beat) But here it is, my big day. My big day. And something doesn't feel right. Maybe it was that pep talk you gave me last night, I don't know, but your misery just isn't working for me anymore." Rhiannon says with a shrug. Rhiannon tries to keep up her tough attitude but when she levels her gaze at Ianto, her eyes cloud with a regret deeper than we thought her capable of. "It was a horrible thing I did to you. I'm really sorry."  
Rhiannon takes her brother's hand. Then lets it drop. "I know you hate when I get what I want. But right now, all I want is for you to be happy."  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto pushes open the heavy church doors. Organ music floods out as Ianto surreptitiously looks up and down the street. Archie appears behind him. Ianto looks at his dad and forces a smile. Archie knows he's upset. "So why'd you let him go?"  
"It's complicated, Dad."  
"Oh, well, then. It probably won't work out." Archie stops and faces her, his voice full of meaning. "I read a fascinating article in the New Yorker once and this guy said: "Every man has the exact love life he wants." You know what? I agree. And I refuse to believe that this is what you want."  
Ianto is overwhelmed but Archie continues. "Ever since you were a little kid, you've been trying to please other people. And in return for your services, all they've done is disappoint you. (beat) So tell me, is this the guy for you?"  
Ianto thinks about this. "Yeah."  
"Then for once in your life, do something for yourself"  
Ianto looks at him gratefully and makes a silent decision.  
.  
.  
Ianto speeds down the road in his parents' car. The empty boat trailer clatters behind him.  
Rhiannon watches through a crack in the door as the guests take their seats.  
Rhiannon paces nervously. Johnny knocks and enters, covering his eyes so he doesn't see her dress. "Your mother said you'd like a quick word."  
Rhiannon takes Johnny's hands away from his eyes. From the look on her face, he knows something is wrong.  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto races through the woods, trying to keep his jacket from catching on the branches that whip at hi on all sides.  
.  
.  
.  
The Guests are all seated now, and the organ has begun its mood music. In the atrium just outside the church, the entire wedding party, minus Rhiannon and Johnny, is gathered, waiting.  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto bursts into the clearing, his hair tousled, his suit nightmarish. He tries to catch his breath as he looks up to the porch of the boathouse. This is supposed to be the part where he sees Jack and they live happily ever after.  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto desperately searches the rooms of the boathouse. By the time he gets to the kitchen, he knows it's going to be empty. He opens the door, anyway.  
Jack's gone.  
On the kitchen table, a brown envelope.  
Ianto picks it up. Written on the front: IANTO.  
He turns it over to open it. On the back it reads: "IT'S ALL THERE, TRUST ME."  
Ianto laughs at how well Jack knows him. His eyes fill with love.  
.  
.  
.  
Inside the car, Jack's face is stoic as he drives, his carryon on the seat next to him.  
.  
…  
Rhiannon faces Johnny, her eyes red and puffy. "I was too scared to tell you. I thought you'd never speak to me again. I'm so sorry."  
He is reeling, he just stares at Rhiannon, saying nothing. Rhiannon's finally doing her penance. The silence is killing her.  
"Say something. Please."  
"I knew you were still seeing someone else when we finally got together. I never in a million years would have dreamt it was Lisa" he shakes his head, trying to understand. "Does Ianto know?"  
"Lisa told him last night."  
"Last night?"Johnny winces, remembering, then lets out a growl. "That worthless bitch!"  
Johnny staggers towards the door. He slams the door on his way out of the annex. He charges up the aisle, past the pews full of guests. Guests murmur in surprise. He picks up speed. He's like a heat-seeking missile that's found its mark. Lisa stands at the back, chatting up a DUMPY BRIDESMAID. She turns just in time to see Johnny running up the aisle. TJ spots him, too.  
Lisa's seen this movie before –- she knows she's about to get her ass kicked. Lisa drops everything and starts running. At that moment, TJ grabs a Flower Girl and uses the little girl to trip Lisa. She falls, scrambles back up and keeps running.  
.  
.  
.  
Ianto trudges up the church steps, his head down. Just then, the door bursts open and Lisa flies out of the church and races down the street. Moments later, Johnny explodes from the church and takes off after Lisa.  
Ianto watches them run down the street, confused, then goes inside.  
.  
.  
.  
Jack's staring straight ahead when something catches his eye. Jack thinks he's seeing things, looks in the rear-view mirror to investigate. Just then, ANOTHER FORM STREAKS PAST.  
Jack looks out the back window and sees Johnny chasing Lisa down the street. Jack shakes his head, but keeps driving. This family is not his problem anymore. Jack wills his eyes to stay on the road, but then he can't help it. He looks into the rear-view mirror again.  
Almost despite himself, Jack throws the car into a U-turn. He catches up and pulls alongside Johnny, who's still chasing Lisa. "Hey."  
Johnny looks over at Jack, but keeps running, his tuxedo flailing. Jack keeps pace. "I look like a total wanker, don't I?"  
"Yeah, kind of."  
Johnny keeps running.  
"Only way to beat that girl is to take yourself out of the game." Jack advises.  
Johnny finally stops running. Wheezing, he bends over to catch his breath. Jack pulls over.  
.  
.  
.  
Back inside, Rhiannon nervously awaits her fate. Ianto enters. He wants to hug Rhiannon, but offers her a tissue instead. Rhiannon takes it gratefully.  
.  
.  
.  
Jack and Johnny pull up to the church. Jack turns off the car. Neither one of them gets out.  
"You heading to the train station?" Johnny asks.  
"I figured you could pick up your car tomorrow" Jack nods.  
"Yeah. "  
They sit in silence, the church looming in front of them.  
"I felt sorry for you last night. I was sitting there like some smug arse thinking how lucky I am." Johnny's clearly struggling. Jack lets him talk. "I forgave her when I thought it was just some bloke. Bugger it. Why Lisa? (beat) I've had her up on a pedestal ever since...since the day I put her up there. It's going to take a long time for me to get over this"  
Jack tries to find the right words of encouragement. Finally, he takes his best shot. "Think about it this way: you get to spend the rest of your life having make-up sex."  
Johnny thinks on this a moment. Then he turns to Jack. "Listen, mate, are you coming to this wedding or not?".  
.  
.  
Ianto pushes open the heavy doors to take one last look. he steps outside and the door closes, revealing Jack, now dressed in his tux. He smiles at Ianto "Hi."  
"Hi."  
They take each other in.  
Jack then says "When we were fighting last night, it hit me. No one had ever cared about me as much as you cared about Lisa. That's why I was so angry. I'm sorry I took it out on you - I didn't mean to hurt you. (beat) And then, I was going to get out of here and leave you alone, but halfway to the station, I realized…" From inside, the WEDDING MARCH begins to play. Jack takes his face in his hands. "I'd rather fight with you than make love to anyone else."  
Ianto is speechless. Jack leans down and kisses him like he's going to keep on kissing him forever. But then, he breaks away. "I should go."  
"What?! No, no. You can't…"  
"I have to." Jack smiles "I'm the best man. "  
Jack and Ianto stand in a dark doorway, facing the closed door. They share a secret smile in the dark.  
Just then, the Usher opens the door and Jack leads Ianto down the aisle. As they walk, they exchange sidelong glances. Both are as nervous and excited as school kids.  
Behind them, Archie and Rhiannon beam as they await their turn. Jack leans over and whispers in his ear.  
.  
.  
.  
Rhiannon and Johnny stand at the altar. They hold hands tightly, grateful to have lost and found each other.  
Jack and Ianto peek across at each other. They both smile.  
.  
.  
.  
"Today is a day for love and for beauty. But most of all, it's a day for truth." Ianto speaks into a microphone, trying to deliver his speech. All around him, he sees faces: Mom, Dad, Rhiannon, Johnny, TJ. Ianto looks down at a crumpled scrap of paper. "I've been working on this speech since these two got engaged. It was supposed to be touching and funny."  
Ianto looks at Jack. He doesn't have to do anything. He just is support.  
"I thought I'd come back to England and have an epiphany. I'd see Rhiannon and the perfect thing would pop into my head and it would encapsulate how and why I love my sister. But I came home and everything was a mess and the truth and beauty line was all I could come up with. (beat) And I think I stole that from the back of an in-flight magazine." The guests laugh. Ianto looks at his mom. "A wonderful woman once said about Rhiannon: "It's not that I love her more, it's that she lets me love her."  
Ianto raises his glass in a toast. "It can be the scariest thing in the world to let someone love you and to know how to love them back. Take good care of each other. I love you both"  
Everyone clinks glasses. A few people sniffle or kiss their dates. Ianto and Rhiannon hold each other's gaze. Nearby, Jenny watches her little kids with tears in her eyes.  
.  
.  
.  
The staff has already started packing up. Johnny's Father whispers something to the Bandleader and pulls his wife out on the dance floor. He spins her around as "Ma Vie en Rose" begins to play. She smiles, happily, as they dance.  
Johnny tries to keep a very drunk Rhiannon away from the present table. Slouching on the piano, TJ makes out with her date, Owen the local GP.  
Nice speech. I thought it was "touching"... and "funny." Honest" Jack says as he and Ianto dance.  
"Thank you." Ianto purrs as Jack gracefully spins Ianto around; they really do dance beautifully together. "Since I've generously agreed to go out with you, I think it's only fair that you tell me how you got into the business?"  
Ianto smiles mischievously. Jack pulls him close. He's finally going to tell him. "You know why I never tell the real story of how I got into this?"  
Ianto shakes his head, "no."  
Jack swings him around in an elaborate dip and kisses him on the neck. "Because it's boring. It's all about my flatmate and his business that he has. He is away on business and I took a call by mistake … got drawn into something I have NEVER done before. But that voice… those vowels…(Ianto laughs) Now if you want to hear a good story, let me tell you the one about how I got out of it."  
Ianto and Jack smile at each other as their dancing grows more effortless. In the background, Johnny tugs a half-opened present out of Rhiannon's hands and puts it back on the table. She jumps up on his back and he happily carts her off to the loo.  
.  
.  
.  
A HAND COUNTING MONEY IN THE BROWN ENVELOPE.  
A worker finishes counting the money, closes the envelope, and tucks it in his pocket. He walks over to two other workers, who are scraping paint off a hoisted-up "LADY SHIP."  
As the first star appears in the night sky, the music swells and we slowly make out the sounds of the greatest make-up sex of all time, echoing in the distance.  
The End


End file.
